(photo courtesy of Google)
Let me preface this post by assuaging any negative connotations about the subject line. I am not a dangerous person. I do not hide in bushes and make a mental note of people’s habits and movements. But when something strikes my fancy or my funny bone, I can be tenacious and become extremely enthusiastic.
I work at a large resort, and often people have difficulty finding time in their busy days to call us during business hours. Many messages are left and returned. On the odd occasion, a game of phone tag ensues until we finally connect voice to voice.
I had the good fortune of returning messages on a particular day and it was serendipity at its finest. When the recorded voice message first began, I thought that I had dialed the number in error. But the further I got into the message, the funnier it became and I began to giggle. By the end of the comedic rhetoric on the other end of the phone, I was in hysterics. I phoned back immediately to listen to it again, and the message became even funnier. My co-workers were concerned that I may be slightly losing my grip on reality, but when I called the number a third time and put the message on speaker phone, they were laughing just as hard as I was.
The crowd continued to swell in the office and in response to the demand to hear what was so funny, I kept calling back. After the mayhem died down and I collected myself, I called another four or five times to write down, verbatim, what the message was so I could steal it. I’m sure the poor gentleman that called for rates was marginally alarmed at how many times the resort had tried to return his call. Although we were apparently desperate for his business, he surprisingly did not call back.
I have since modified the message to fit the time allotted on my cell phone. I have thought of changing it to something a little more professional since the cell is my only phone, but what would be the fun in that? Here is the gist of how the original message sounded. I hope none of these apply to you!
Hello, and welcome to the Mental Health Hotline.
- If you are obsessive or compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
- If you are co-dependant, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
- If you have multiple personalities, please press 3,4,5 and 6
- If you are paranoid, we already know who you are and what you want, but stay on the line while we trace your call.
- If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
- If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
- If you have short-term memory loss, press 9, if you have short-term memory loss, press 9, if you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
- If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the # key until a representative comes on the line.
- If you are dyslexic, press 696969696969.
- If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone, date of birth, social security number and your mother’s maiden name.
- If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down & cry. You won’t be crazy forever.
- If you have a masochistic complex, please press “0″ for the operator. There are 200 calls ahead of you.
- If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you.
You’re laughing now too, aren’t you??