Getting back my sense of self

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For the first time in a long time I walked through my house tonight and found I was smiling.  I wasn’t reliving a memory or anticipating an upcoming event, I was just….happy.

I hadn’t realized how much of my happiness had been consumed by reality until the corners of my lips were turned upright for no particular reason.  After all the tension I have experienced over the last couple of months, I was sure those muscles had atrophied and would require intense physiotherapy to get the full range of motion to return.  The degeneration of joy was paralyzing.

But I am once again finding beauty in my surroundings because stress no longer abrades my senses.  The scent of lilacs permeates my nose as soon as I step outside and the sounds of the creatures of the night soothe me with their harmonic tones.  And after many nights of being unaware of the true depth of my melancholy, I am now able to appreciate their symphony and realize that my true bliss has returned.

My words flow more freely now because they are no longer trapped in a smoldering vat of fermenting unrest.  My brain is at ease and my creativity flows in small streams until it culminates at the mouth of the river.  Those ideas trickle along the banks of my mind.  Each drop of inspiration is collected, it pools and eddies at the precipice until the words spill uncontrollably over the crest of rock and create a waterfall of language and expression.  That waterfall is my release.  That rapid flow of ideas is my heaven.

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(image credit: commons.wikimedia.org)

I have slowly re-acquainted myself with the things that I hold dear.  I have learned to let go of the stress and spend time each day making new memories and not just relying on recollections of my past to satiate my need for happy thoughts.  I have regained my inner compass.  I have reclaimed my sense of self.

Feeling up with some down time

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Yesterday I was able to leave work early and spend some much-needed time to myself.  While preparing to leave my old job and begin the journey of starting a new job, I worked 18 days straight and had little time to just relax and breath.

I performed the perfunctory task of cleaning my house, I visited my mom and I went out for dinner with a friend.  It was a great afternoon and once I was ensconced in the comfort of my living room, Mother Nature provided a great show of pyrotechnics last night for my amusement.  I lit the candles, extinguished the lights and let the smooth harmonic blend of The Tenors wash over me as I watched the lightning dance outside my window.

lightning_strike

(image credit: dottech.org)

I had a nice leisurely morning pulling myself from under the covers much later than usual and enjoyed a few cups of the “liquid of the Gods” known as coffee.  My laptop welcomed me with open arms and we spent a few hours writing together.

It amazes me that a few simple hours spent away from the constraints of reality can make such a difference.  Although I am truly a ‘people person’, I enjoy my solitude immensely.  I am ready to tackle the next few days remembering the cherished moments I just spent with my puppy dog with no outside distractions until we can close the door on the world once more and take those fleeting minutes to just breathe.

A brave new world

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Today I began a new journey.   Today was my first day at a new job…..one that I ventured into after spending the better part of two decades at a place that was overwhelmingly familiar.  The best part of today was walking into a place that, although not as familiar, I felt like I belonged.  The buildings, the walls, the faces and the surroundings are new but still give me a sense of  home.

The joy of working in hospitality is knowing that a strong personality and having the ability to fly by the seat of your pants are not only requirements, but assets that can assuage any sense of discomfort that may arise from being in a foreign place.  And today, I flew.   I jumped in with both feet and hit the ground running.

Perhaps the comfort level comes from being in a situation that is remarkably similar to my comfort zone, but on a much smaller scale.  Or perhaps that peacefulness comes from being able to be myself and not sweat the small stuff.  I adapt.  It’s what I’m good at and a skill that allows me to blend in without seeming like I have no knowledge of my surroundings.

shammy

(image credit: http://www.shamrocklodge.com)

Tomorrow I can go back knowing a little more than I knew today – and knowledge is power.  Tomorrow I take what I learned today and parlay it into a greater feeling of awareness and comprehension.  Tomorrow the rest of me flies with the seat of my pants, and not just by the seat of my pants.  Tomorrow I look back at yesterday and realize its success.  Tomorrow, I look forward to many more tomorrows.

The fading image in my rear-view mirror

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Like the perfect piece of baker’s chocolate, today will be bittersweet.  I am comfortably ensconced in a chair in my office, shrouded by four very familiar walls that are situated on a property that I could maneuver my way around with my eyes closed.  But today is my last day in this place.

A big part of my life has been spent exploring every facet of the 408 acres that make up this resort property.  From my humble beginnings in 1986 I have cleaned every single one of the 158 rooms on numerous occasions, I have served hundreds of people in its dining room, I have greeted hundreds more at the front desk and I have encouraged thousands to vacation here.  My car could drive itself from home to office after the numerous trips we have made together down this winding Muskoka road.

This home away from home has been the site of many experiences for me, some fantastic and some tragic.  This job was not just a job.  This place gave me the tools to grow, not only as an employee and a boss, but as a person.  This place introduced me to many people I consider an extended part of my family.  From staff to hotel guests, the connections I have made here will last a lifetime.

cleves water front

(image credit: http://www.clevelandshouse.com)

But the time has come to change the landscape I see on my drive to work.  Although the splendor of the Muskoka beauty will still be seen through each of my car windows, the shadows that dance on the road before me will be different.  The path that my tires follow will be not be naturally carved in the pavement leading me to the walls that contain so many memories.   This new path will take time to feel as comfortable but I’m sure it will lead me to just as much happiness.

As the image of a lifetime fades in my rear-view mirror, the path ahead is waiting to welcome me with open arms and begin the journey of making new memories.

Blogger – diagnose thy self

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We all have symptoms of possible afflictions that we try to diagnose ourselves.  If you are anything like me, your computer is powered on and you are searching on Google or Bing for probable illnesses that match the symptoms you are experiencing.

Lately, I have been suffering sleepless nights, lack of concentration at work and stiff joints in my neck and wrists.  After a myriad of suggestions from those online medical gurus, I have stepped outside of the clinical box and diagnosed myself with I.B.S. – Insatiable Blogging Syndrome.

The creative part of my brain seems to be enlarged and is causing me to wake in the middle of the night with the ideas that are spilling from the cracks caused by the swelling.  The only relief is to free the idioms that seem to be the source of the contusions.  Those lacerations perpetuate my inability to focus on life outside of the blogosphere and cause me to sit at my laptop for hours at a time reading the words of others while trying to deftly craft my own.  Daily routines and writing my novel fade into the background as the myriad of blog ideas rush through my veins to the forefront of my mind.

left-brain-right-brain

(image credit: performance-rules.com)

Short of a lobotomy, there is no known cure for Insatiable Blogging Syndrome.  I am a victim of its temporary paralysis and subsequent mood swings caused by the inability to focus on anything but stringing sentences together to create some semblance of entertainment and meaning.  In the face of adversity, I shall “soldier on” as my mom used to say.  I will not let this unstudied medical ailment affect my ability to lead a normal life.

Until there is a cure, those words, those personifications and idioms dripping with color will continue to attack my brain with fervor.  I am a victim to its grace and tenacity.  I am a writer.

All the world is a stage

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I pondered this subject line quite a bit this morning and never realized, until now, how we really do play to an audience for most of our lives.  We play the role of the child, the sibling, the friend, the spouse, the partner, the parent, the employee and sometimes the boss.  But it is not until we are sheltered in the comfort of our homes that we become our true selves.  We are stripped of our costumes, the make-up is washed off, the warts come out, the facade is cracked and we are able to be who we truly are with no one to judge us and bombard us with their expectations.

There are moments we glorify with outward happiness when we second guess the cause of that jubilation.  There are times we feign sadness when we are unaffected by the emotion.  We play the role, but we play it to the best of our ability because, as human beings, we know that we need to portray those emotions to help us feel what others feel and give them a sense of understanding.  And in certain moments, we are honestly affected by the circumstance that created those feelings.  Empathy is a strong emotion and those affected with it, as I am, may disagree with my thought process.  But as a truly empathetic person I, too, have been a victim of over-acting a part to assuage the despair of others.

RymanStage

(image credit: nashvilleonthemove.com)

We choose a role and the stage is set.  The lights dim and the scene begins.  We act to the best of our ability and ride on the wave of emotion that is written on the pages.  We feed on the feeling of the other actors on our stage and we are swept up in the roles that were created for us.  We act and we react.  The world is undoubtedly our stage.  During moments of our performance, the spotlights blind us but we act the required part to the best of our ability.

For many, being a performer is a reality that they will never escape.  They feel the need to fit a role and go through the motions day in and day out, never achieving the moment that they can truly break from character and just be who they are.  The simple pleasures in life sometimes escape us while we concentrate on the part we are meant to be playing.

Break from character – rewrite the scene and cast yourself in the role that you want to play.  If you can allow yourself the freedom to escape from the grand performance, even if only briefly, you can play your part with greater honesty on a stage that you created.

My Muskoka, my words….in print!!

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After much anticipation (and many chewed fingernails) the piece of writing that represents my love for the place I call home has been put into publication.  Unfortunately, it does not link to the article without temporarily registering for the e-version of the magazine which means submitting an email address and phone number, but it is available online with that information.

I understand if you are leery of subscribing and the article will undoubtedly be available more readily after the next addition is out, but if you want to see the published piece you can follow the link here.  Follow down the toolbar and click on eEdition. I’m on page 96.

magazine

(and for the first time in my life, I don’t hate my picture!!)

Regrets, I’ve had a few

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There are always regrets in life – missed opportunities that weigh heavily on us the more we think about them.  I’ve had my share of regrets, whether those regrets have been caused by my actions or perpetrated by my inaction.  There is always a tremendous sense of “what if” at the core of our regrets and that is a force field that is better left unexplored.

I was recently presented with an opportunity that I did not want to regret not pursuing.  I did what I had to do and saw it through without exemption and that exploration resulted in me giving notice at my current job and looking forward to venturing off on a new path.  I have never been unhappy at my current job but the winds of change ruffled my hair and made me think about what life would be like in a new place.  That thought was a bit intoxicating.

After weighing the regret of leaving my current job and the many co-workers I have come to think of as family against the opportunity for growth and forward movement with a new team of people, I took a deep breath and chose to follow those winds of change.  That gust of wind caught my sails and propelled me in a direction that I could never have foreseen.

It is a daunting feeling closing the chapter on a life that is so familiar and ingrained in my day-to-day life.  The people who I have come to lean and rely on will no longer be in my daily routine but I can only trust that I made the right decision for myself and know that I am following a trajectory I was meant to follow.

Life is too short to have too many regrets and this is one I did not want to have.  I’m happy to be embarking on a new journey and encountering a new set of challenges and learning experiences.  From the excitement I feel, I know I will not regret making the change and opening my life to a new realm of possibilities.

Have you ever missed an opportunity that you regret?

To my WordPress family – I embrace you all

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I received a lovely message tonight from Chasing Rabbit Holes that truly made me smile.  I feel grateful every day to have made such good friends on the WordPress site – friends who are supportive, encouraging and immensely talented.  Here is the award that I was given.  Below is a description of the award and at the bottom of this post is a list of bloggers that I call family.

wordpress-family-award

This award was initiated by Shaun (Praying for one day), who created this special award:

“This is an award for everyone who is part of the “Word Press Family” I start this award on the basis that the WordPress family has taken me in, and showed me love and a caring side only WordPress can. The way people take a second to be nice, to answer a question and not make things a competition amazes me here. I know I have been given many awards, but I wanted to leave my own legacy on here by creating my own award, as many have done before. This represents “Family” we never meet, but are there for us as family. It is my honour to start this award”

Rules:

1. Display the award logo on your blog.

2. Link back to the person who nominated you.

3. Nominate 10 others you see as having an impact on your WordPress experience and family

4. Let your 10 Family members know you have awarded them

5. That is it. Just please pick 10 people who have taken you as a friend, and spread the love

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What a lovely award and now to share it with my “family”

Sage Doyle

Dianne Gray

Guapola

Edward Hotspur

StuphBlog

Ned’s Blog

Red’s Rants and Raves

Shouts from the Abyss

Shackled and Crowned

Fish of Gold

The Mercenary Researcher

Thank you to all of you for being so supportive, especially during the tough time with my mom.  And thank you to the many others in my blogging family that keep me motivated and inspired to write and read as much as I can.  Sometimes you really do get to choose your family.  :)

One block at a time

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I think of life as a collection of building blocks.  We started understanding the premise of creating a solid base when we were kids (for those of us that remember playing with blocks, or will admit it) and learned to dream of what we could construct.  We would create towers and implausible structures and if we didn’t like the design we would knock it down and start again.

Living life is very much the same.  We are given the blocks to build our lives and it is up to us to come up with the architectural drawings and build the vision we have in our heads.  We are in charge of the design, we hire the crew that helps us build and we landscape the property the way we want to see it every day.  Only we have the gift of that final vision of what our concept is meant to portray at the end of the building process.

blocks

(image credit: ape2zebra.ca)

The construction of our vision may become hindered by walls that seem to build themselves and shroud us from our initial concept.  We can choose to knock down those walls and fight for the initial image of what that design was meant to be or we can let that wall change the pattern of our blueprint and build around it.  Framing the model is only the beginning.  We must be in control of all the smaller details to see our full vision come to fruition.

Building anything worthwhile takes patience and tenacity.  Many obstacles will arise in the process that may make the final product seem unattainable, but we must persevere.  With all grand designs, some sweat and tears must be expended before we are truly happy with the end result.

There will always be others that believe their design for your life is better than what you have been striving to build but nobody can tell you how to play with your blocks.  As long as you make the effort to create a solid base and sufficiently strong walls to guard against enemies, not even the hottest of winds can enter your castle.  Believe in your vision and do everything you can to make it come true.