Category Archives: enjoying life

Getting back my sense of self

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For the first time in a long time I walked through my house tonight and found I was smiling.  I wasn’t reliving a memory or anticipating an upcoming event, I was just….happy.

I hadn’t realized how much of my happiness had been consumed by reality until the corners of my lips were turned upright for no particular reason.  After all the tension I have experienced over the last couple of months, I was sure those muscles had atrophied and would require intense physiotherapy to get the full range of motion to return.  The degeneration of joy was paralyzing.

But I am once again finding beauty in my surroundings because stress no longer abrades my senses.  The scent of lilacs permeates my nose as soon as I step outside and the sounds of the creatures of the night soothe me with their harmonic tones.  And after many nights of being unaware of the true depth of my melancholy, I am now able to appreciate their symphony and realize that my true bliss has returned.

My words flow more freely now because they are no longer trapped in a smoldering vat of fermenting unrest.  My brain is at ease and my creativity flows in small streams until it culminates at the mouth of the river.  Those ideas trickle along the banks of my mind.  Each drop of inspiration is collected, it pools and eddies at the precipice until the words spill uncontrollably over the crest of rock and create a waterfall of language and expression.  That waterfall is my release.  That rapid flow of ideas is my heaven.

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(image credit: commons.wikimedia.org)

I have slowly re-acquainted myself with the things that I hold dear.  I have learned to let go of the stress and spend time each day making new memories and not just relying on recollections of my past to satiate my need for happy thoughts.  I have regained my inner compass.  I have reclaimed my sense of self.

Feeling up with some down time

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Yesterday I was able to leave work early and spend some much-needed time to myself.  While preparing to leave my old job and begin the journey of starting a new job, I worked 18 days straight and had little time to just relax and breath.

I performed the perfunctory task of cleaning my house, I visited my mom and I went out for dinner with a friend.  It was a great afternoon and once I was ensconced in the comfort of my living room, Mother Nature provided a great show of pyrotechnics last night for my amusement.  I lit the candles, extinguished the lights and let the smooth harmonic blend of The Tenors wash over me as I watched the lightning dance outside my window.

lightning_strike

(image credit: dottech.org)

I had a nice leisurely morning pulling myself from under the covers much later than usual and enjoyed a few cups of the “liquid of the Gods” known as coffee.  My laptop welcomed me with open arms and we spent a few hours writing together.

It amazes me that a few simple hours spent away from the constraints of reality can make such a difference.  Although I am truly a ‘people person’, I enjoy my solitude immensely.  I am ready to tackle the next few days remembering the cherished moments I just spent with my puppy dog with no outside distractions until we can close the door on the world once more and take those fleeting minutes to just breathe.

A brave new world

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Today I began a new journey.   Today was my first day at a new job…..one that I ventured into after spending the better part of two decades at a place that was overwhelmingly familiar.  The best part of today was walking into a place that, although not as familiar, I felt like I belonged.  The buildings, the walls, the faces and the surroundings are new but still give me a sense of  home.

The joy of working in hospitality is knowing that a strong personality and having the ability to fly by the seat of your pants are not only requirements, but assets that can assuage any sense of discomfort that may arise from being in a foreign place.  And today, I flew.   I jumped in with both feet and hit the ground running.

Perhaps the comfort level comes from being in a situation that is remarkably similar to my comfort zone, but on a much smaller scale.  Or perhaps that peacefulness comes from being able to be myself and not sweat the small stuff.  I adapt.  It’s what I’m good at and a skill that allows me to blend in without seeming like I have no knowledge of my surroundings.

shammy

(image credit: http://www.shamrocklodge.com)

Tomorrow I can go back knowing a little more than I knew today – and knowledge is power.  Tomorrow I take what I learned today and parlay it into a greater feeling of awareness and comprehension.  Tomorrow the rest of me flies with the seat of my pants, and not just by the seat of my pants.  Tomorrow I look back at yesterday and realize its success.  Tomorrow, I look forward to many more tomorrows.

The fading image in my rear-view mirror

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Like the perfect piece of baker’s chocolate, today will be bittersweet.  I am comfortably ensconced in a chair in my office, shrouded by four very familiar walls that are situated on a property that I could maneuver my way around with my eyes closed.  But today is my last day in this place.

A big part of my life has been spent exploring every facet of the 408 acres that make up this resort property.  From my humble beginnings in 1986 I have cleaned every single one of the 158 rooms on numerous occasions, I have served hundreds of people in its dining room, I have greeted hundreds more at the front desk and I have encouraged thousands to vacation here.  My car could drive itself from home to office after the numerous trips we have made together down this winding Muskoka road.

This home away from home has been the site of many experiences for me, some fantastic and some tragic.  This job was not just a job.  This place gave me the tools to grow, not only as an employee and a boss, but as a person.  This place introduced me to many people I consider an extended part of my family.  From staff to hotel guests, the connections I have made here will last a lifetime.

cleves water front

(image credit: http://www.clevelandshouse.com)

But the time has come to change the landscape I see on my drive to work.  Although the splendor of the Muskoka beauty will still be seen through each of my car windows, the shadows that dance on the road before me will be different.  The path that my tires follow will be not be naturally carved in the pavement leading me to the walls that contain so many memories.   This new path will take time to feel as comfortable but I’m sure it will lead me to just as much happiness.

As the image of a lifetime fades in my rear-view mirror, the path ahead is waiting to welcome me with open arms and begin the journey of making new memories.

The Call of Nature

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I’ve had these pictures on my phone for a while and wanted to share them.

a crack in the armor

A crack in the armor of ice.

ice

Intricate patterns in the early morning freeze on my patio table.

ring around the sun

Ring around the sun.

patterns

Hashtag in the sky.

ominous whisps

The atmosphere air-brushed the sky.

criss cross

Same effect in lighter shades.

morning glory

A stunning sky to ease me into the morning.

Mom

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mom-holding-baby

She birthed me and swaddled me,

she showered me with love.

Her arms always embraced me,

they fit me like a glove.

Her words were the only ones,

that could help to heal my scars.

Hers was the only light,

that would comfort me in the dark.

She woke me up to play with me,

she laughed at all my jokes.

She sang with me to old musicals,

although she couldn’t hold the notes.

Her faith in my abilities,

has stood the test of time.

She’s the portrait of what a mother should be,

and I’m glad that she is mine.

So, here’s to you, mom, on this special day,

my love for you has no end.

You’re my giver of life, my confidant,

and will always be my best friend.

Happy Mother’s Day.

Blogger – diagnose thy self

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We all have symptoms of possible afflictions that we try to diagnose ourselves.  If you are anything like me, your computer is powered on and you are searching on Google or Bing for probable illnesses that match the symptoms you are experiencing.

Lately, I have been suffering sleepless nights, lack of concentration at work and stiff joints in my neck and wrists.  After a myriad of suggestions from those online medical gurus, I have stepped outside of the clinical box and diagnosed myself with I.B.S. – Insatiable Blogging Syndrome.

The creative part of my brain seems to be enlarged and is causing me to wake in the middle of the night with the ideas that are spilling from the cracks caused by the swelling.  The only relief is to free the idioms that seem to be the source of the contusions.  Those lacerations perpetuate my inability to focus on life outside of the blogosphere and cause me to sit at my laptop for hours at a time reading the words of others while trying to deftly craft my own.  Daily routines and writing my novel fade into the background as the myriad of blog ideas rush through my veins to the forefront of my mind.

left-brain-right-brain

(image credit: performance-rules.com)

Short of a lobotomy, there is no known cure for Insatiable Blogging Syndrome.  I am a victim of its temporary paralysis and subsequent mood swings caused by the inability to focus on anything but stringing sentences together to create some semblance of entertainment and meaning.  In the face of adversity, I shall “soldier on” as my mom used to say.  I will not let this unstudied medical ailment affect my ability to lead a normal life.

Until there is a cure, those words, those personifications and idioms dripping with color will continue to attack my brain with fervor.  I am a victim to its grace and tenacity.  I am a writer.

Karma

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There are several familiar expressions with which humankind uses to describe the same outcome. Whether it be “Live by the sword, die by the sword” or “what goes around, comes around”, they converge on each other and intertwine to form a common thread that we all weave into our lives.  That common thread is called Karma.

Karma is part of the law of cause and effect, and it chooses how and when to seek its retribution.  It may come back to haunt you in a swift and effective charge, it may linger in the shadows and creep in when you least expect it, or, if you believe in reincarnation, it may wreak its havoc in your next go around.  Regardless of when it rears its ugly head, it will seek you out and serve up a dish of revenge that is best served cold.   It is calculating and it is manipulative, but those adjectives may best describe the actions that led Karma to finding you in the first place.

Karma is not a superstitious hypothesis.  I believe we each create our own luck, be it good or bad luck.  Karma is energy, a life force that gets its momentum from the vibrations we put out into the world.   And it is not just about negative energy and paybacks.  Karma works just as well on the opposite side of the energy spectrum.  Good deeds done selflessly tend to have Karma smile favorably upon us as opposed to hunting us like wounded prey and going in for the kill.

The Golden Rule, or as I discovered another name, The Ethic of Reciprocity (which sounds way more fun) -is this - do unto others, as you would have done to you – such a simple string of words with such a profound outcome.  You’ve seen it in action on the smallest scale when you give a smile to a stranger and they immediately smile back.   Positive Karma results from positive states of mind and positive actions.

As this is the year that I vowed to keep a positive attitude, I am putting my good karmic vibrations into the atmosphere.  Maybe, if we all focus enough positivity into the atmosphere, a small trickle of good energy can transform itself, one person at a time, and gain enough momentum to become a waterfall.

 

(image credit: world-beautifulwallpapers.blogspot.com)

Over forty and feeling…..broken

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Forty may be the new twenty, but I don’t think my body got that memo.   I used to be able to handle stress much better, not that I had the stress I have in my forties, but the carriage that houses my soul never used to show signs of that stress.  I would bounce back and be prepared for the next onslaught of tension, armed and ready to kill that dragon.

These days, I am not as fortunate.  The knots of stress seem to locate the weakest parts of my body and finds the forty-something-year-old muscles far more inviting.  Like an unwanted house guest, it settles in, makes itself comfortable and it chooses to stay for a while.

About a month and a half ago I injured my knee while shoveling snow.  Who knew an activity so benign could leave such a lasting injury?  The pain subsided and temporarily vanished, but every so often it flares up again and I am currently moving slower than some of my mom’s new acquaintances in the retirement home.

I have yet to go to the doctor, but that trip is looming.  The male part of my brain had me convinced that the temple that is my body would heal itself, but that seems far-fetched as I hobble around my house this morning, wishing I had a cane.  In my self-diagnosis, compliments of Google, I realized that I have most likely torn the meniscus in my right knee.   It could be a minor tear but could also lead to surgery if not properly diagnosed and healed.

cane

(image credit: oralchelation.com)

Today, for me, forty feels more like the new sixty but I am determined not to let this affliction get the best of me.  I will beat stress and injury into submission with determination, tenacity and a borrowed cane!

Before the storm – Romantic Monday

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before-the-storm-logo

Thunder clouds in the distance

the promise of a storm to come

his touch is firm on my flesh

the earth is waiting to succumb

to the reign of terror in the sky

the promise of a fury unleashed

the air is electric, feelings are charged

mother nature is in control of the beast

blue sky falls into the abyss

the ceiling of night turns to gray

energy ignites with the coming storm

feelings, for now, are at bay

his grip remains strong on my skin

his eyes search for the sign

thunder crashes, lightning explodes

the moods begin to align

I turn to him under mottled clouds

the earth opens its spring

water cascades over exposed flesh

the symphony of love starts to sing

his touch brings more power

than the lightning casts from the sky

bodies churn in the shower of rain

under the cover of nigh

before the storm the feeling lived

but now its fury is unleashed

hands roam, bodies entwine

the power of nature is released

his body is mine, and mine is his

the storm can not debate

 the true love felt under stormy skies

the honesty of love will not wait

~

Romantic Monday seems to inspire the poet in me.   I took the subject line literally and the storm seemed to bring something out in me.  Thanks Edward Hotspur!