In what is being referred to as a heinous crime against nature, an unknown perpetrator has assaulted the freshly awakened earth with a blanket of snow. Investigators have a short list of suspects and a few known offenders are at the top of their watch list.
The Behavioral Analysis Unit of the F.B.I. has given their profile to local weather teams and have asked for the public’s assistance in capturing this un-sub before any more damage is done to the pristine Spring landscape. The blossoming lilacs and daffodils have been ruthlessly violated by the cold temperatures and the cover of white powder. Nurseries and landscapers are on full alert and have assembled emergency response teams to assist if necessary.
(image credit: agefotostock.com)
The F.B.I.’s investigative team has predicted a second wave of the assault on Monday night and are arming their troops in preparation of the attack. Unlike the blitz invasion on Sunday, the B.A.U. is warning residents NOT to plant and to arm their patio furniture as a safeguard against the defilement.
If you have any information in regards to the events on Sunday, May 12th, please contact Jack Frost and tell him to EFF OFF!! More news at 11:00. Now back to you.