Daily Archives: February 7, 2013

Stalking isn’t always a bad thing

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Let me preface this post by assuaging any negative connotations about the subject line.  I am not a dangerous person.  I do not hide in bushes and make a mental note of people’s habits and movements.  But when something strikes my fancy or my funny bone, I can be tenacious and become extremely enthusiastic.

I work at a large resort, and often people have difficulty finding time in their busy days to call us during business hours. Many messages are left and returned.  On the odd occasion, a game of phone tag ensues until we finally connect voice to voice.

I had the good fortune of returning messages on a particular day and it was serendipity at its finest.  When the recorded voice message first began, I thought that I had dialed the number in error.  But the further I got into the message, the funnier it became and I began to giggle.  By the end of the comedic rhetoric on the other end of the phone, I was in hysterics.  I phoned back immediately to listen to it again, and the message became even funnier.  My co-workers were concerned that I may be slightly losing my grip on reality, but when I called the number a third time and put the message on speaker phone, they were laughing just as hard as I was.

The crowd continued to swell in the office and in response to the demand to hear what was so funny, I kept calling back.  After the mayhem died down and I collected myself, I called another four or five times to write down, verbatim, what the message was so I could steal it.  I’m sure the poor gentleman that called for rates was marginally alarmed at how many times the resort had tried to return his call.  Although we were apparently desperate for his business, he surprisingly did not call back.

I have since modified the message to fit the time allotted on my cell phone.  I have thought of changing it to something a little more professional since the cell is my only phone, but what would be the fun in that?  Here is the gist of how the original message sounded.   I hope none of these apply to you….but since I have struck up some friendships with some of you, I now know they just might.

phone

 Hello, and welcome to the Mental Health Hotline.

  • If you are obsessive or compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
  • If you are co-dependant, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
  • If you have multiple personalities, please press 3,4,5 and 6
  • If you are paranoid, we already know who you are and what you want, but stay on the line while we trace your call.
  • If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
  • If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
  • If you have short-term memory loss, press 9, if you have short-term memory loss, press 9, if you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
  • If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the # key until a representative comes on the line.
  • If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone, date of birth, social security number and your mother’s maiden name.
  • If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down & cry. You won’t be crazy forever.
  • If you have a masochistic complex, please press “0” for the operator. There are 200 calls ahead of you.
  • If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you.

I had posted this earlier in my blogging journey, but after a series of repeated calls to my cell today with no message, I finally understood why and called back to explain the message.

Do you have any new ones you think I should add to the list?

comunikating fonetikly

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In this day and age of technology and digital communication, spell check is a wonderful tool.  It allows the author of written expression the ability to enhance the reader’s experience by communicating effectively and correctly.

Back in my college days, we weren’t as fortunate.  Leather bound copies of Webster’s Dictionary and Roger’s Thesaurus were never far from my reach.  I loved words and I wanted to be sure I expounded my visions in the purest possible form.  During those impressionable years, I attended school with many people who seemed to be as permeable to prose as I felt I was.

There were certainly exceptions to that rule, and my best friend Sandra had a college room-mate who was the poster child for the opposite end of that word spectrum. (you know who you are!!)  She spelled phonetically.  However it sounded to her, she seemed to create a new language to convey her message.

phonetic-alphabet

They were very caring room-mates and diligent to a fault about keeping the others aware of their whereabouts to alleviate worry.  They maintained a white-board on their refrigerator so they could communicate where they were and when they were expected to return.  While visiting the apartment one afternoon I happened upon this board and stared at it with growing wonder.  Although the symbols on the board resembled those of the alphabet I could not decipher the language in which the message had been composed.

Upon realizing that I had not left the kitchen, Sandra returned to find me still engaged in a staring contest with the white board.  As many times as I listed my head from side to side I still could not digest the meaning of the strange epistle on the fridge.   It wasn’t until Sandra took me word by word through the note, sounding out every syllable, that I finally understood the concept of phonetic spelling.  After that the intent of the scribble became crystal clear.

The “fonetik spelr” and I are still close friends to this day.  I find it amusingly ironic that she studied Sign Language in school!!  I am happy to report that she has mastered much more of the English language – no longer will we wury bicuz she tuk her baik to wurk and waz caat in trafik – clooz the buuk on this peij, no morr keiass.