I have been purposely not posting over the last few days because, as I look back, my last few posts encompass the overwhelming, undulating emotions one goes through after a loss. Although it has been slightly cathartic, it also made me realize I need to snap out of this feeling of wallowing and focus on all of the positive feelings I experience when thinking about my mom.
Last night was a very healing night for me. While working on the scrapbook and decorations for her celebration I began to make a playlist of many of her favorite songs to listen to during the reception after the service. That music took me on a journey I never anticipated and I got to experience my relationship with my mom all over again.
The road trip of memories lay stretched before me and I hit the gas, negotiating the turns and rolling into my early youth. Music was always playing in our house and, as I recalled the many nights of games and puzzles as a family, the sounds of the 70’s classics drifted back into my mind. I could see and smell the old family cottage in my memory as if I had just walked through the door. The strains of music lifted my spirits and helped me float back to a place I hold so dear.
I made a brief stop in my young adult life, remembering how I used to sing the songs from Annie ad nauseam and my mom never tired of listening. I secretly wished I had red, curly hair and freckles and I’m sure my mom knew that about me but the songs, to her, sounded just as sweet coming from a child with brown hair and green eyes.
We grew together through music and, although my mom admittedly had trouble carrying a tune, we shared a love of old musicals. The clock raced forward and those old musicals would come back, time and time again, to play an important part in our relationship. After my dad passed, my Christmas Eve was spent with my mom watching The Sound of Music, every year.
Those songs last night, those happy memories hidden within those soundtrack scores, were all I needed to be lifted above the fog that has been weighing so heavily on my heart. A few well placed notes on a page and suddenly I feel like it’s okay to be happy when I think about her. I don’t have to be sad all the time, nor would she want me to be, and that is the message she sent to me through song.
I’ll never stop being sad, but those precious moments of being able to smile again are worth every tear I’ve shed.