I’ve been dreading writing this week. I knew it was coming and as much as I thought I could distract myself with topics that did not strike me on an extremely personal level, I was wrong.
I have been enjoying a great relationship with my muse since January 1st. Together we have posted every day since the start of the new year, sometimes twice a day, and I have become truly immersed in the creative process. But something drastically changed with the passing of the calendar month. My muse has slowly retreated from the active space in my mind. It has nothing to do with the continuing frigid temperatures or the delay of springs’ arrival. It has everything to do with the looming date of March 7th.
That day in the calendar year of 2014 irrevocably altered my life. It seems like only hours ago I received that horrific early morning phone call to tell me my mother had passed unexpectedly and my life spun into a tornado-like funnel cloud. Images, hours, even days blurred. To think it will be a year on Saturday astounds me.
It feels like I am back in the first moments of coming to terms with the news and yet there have been so many firsts since then. Birthdays, anniversaries, Thanksgiving, Christmas….all were celebrated to the best of our ability with her glaring and undeniable absence. Knowing that she is no longer suffering the effects of her illness is the only comfort I have. It should ease some of my suffering but the feeling of loss goes much deeper than that.
At least each day I am still here gives me a chance to hold her memory as close as I would like to hold her in a childlike embrace. The pain never goes away, we just think about it differently as time moves on.
polysyllabic profundities 
That’s it exactly, thinking about it differently as time moves on. It’s good that you have the closeness of her memory. Sometimes I feel I am going down a very straight road, where the memories are only pin pricks in the distance. Other times, even darker times, it is a winding road with no way to look back properly, and it feels as if nothing is there at all. Meanwhile, life keeps journeying on, taking me with it.
It’s an interesting road. I just try to take it one day at a time. Best to you on your journey as well.
I can only imagine how difficult this is, Susan. You’re in my prayers.
Thanks Jill. x
My muse is snoozing as well but for entirely less profound reasons. I’m sorry you’re feeling the pain of this over again.
Thanks Ross. I appreciate that.
So sorry for your loss. You are right about the pain never going away. I lost my father 17 years ago and it still hurts but the good memories do pop up often.
Your muse will come back, my friend; your mom would want it that way.
Aww…thanks. And you’re right, she would. 🙂
What a haunting image! I know this feeling well. For me, the month is September. As soon as the calendar turns, “The Date” looms and it’s like holding my breath with dread until it is past. Thinking of you this week, Susan, and hoping the memories can fill you with comfort as you grieve. ((Hugs))
Thank you so much. It is really like holding your breath until it passes. Hugs back to you.
Grief is often a repeat process. I’m certain your muse won’t leave you stranded. Hang i there 🙂
Thanks Janna.