Tag Archives: inner strength

The long journey of picking up the pieces

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“All the King’s horses and all the King’s men, couldn’t put Humpty together again.” ~ James William Elliott

I would never describe myself as a wallflower.  I’m very willing to stand out, stand up for myself and take charge of my life.  If something is not working I will give one hundred percent to fix it but, if it is beyond repair, I’m not afraid to walk away knowing I gave it everything I could.  Thus was the lesson it took me half a lifetime to learn and thus was the story of my marriage.

Hindsight is a giant pain in the ass.  I don’t care if it is 20/20, it still sucks.  If I were completely honest with myself, I should have known better before I made that march down the aisle, with my brother on one arm and my mom on the other.  As I stood waiting for the music to start, I looked at him waiting for me at the other end of that runway to my future.  I really looked at him.  And for the first time I could see how truly broken he was.  I knew in my gut that this would not be my forever but I wanted so badly to fix him.  I wanted to be enough to make him want to change but his demons were bigger and far more powerful than any strength or love I could throw at them and I finally had to admit defeat.  It was time for that broken duck to find a new pond and keep himself afloat without using me as his water-wings.

After he left something happened that I had not anticipated – I immediately found my joy again.  The saddest part of that statement is that I didn’t even know it was gone.  I was so lost in the spiral of break and repair, I didn’t have time to notice that I was unhappy.   It’s sad to say that it took him leaving for me to be myself again but that is exactly what happened.  When that reality hit me, I cried.  I cried for the pieces of myself that I lost through the process and I cried because I had just given myself permission to get those pieces back and put myself  together again, to become whole.  If I performed an autopsy on the relationship, perhaps I would realize that the cause of death was that I was the one that had become broken.  Somewhere, in what should have been wedded bliss, a small crack had pierced my armor and my happiness began to seep through that fissure. I was like a tire with a slow leak that you don’t notice until it is completely flat.

love puzzle

(image credit: vi.sualize.us)

A very wise fellow blogger once said something that has always stuck with me “the steeper the climb, the better the view”. (Thanks Ned)  I began my journey back to happiness by taking that first giant step and, although my gait was awkward in the beginning, I continued to put one foot in front of the other to reach that summit.  The pieces of myself that I had lost were scattered along the path to the top and I collected them as I endured the uphill battle.

During the climb I paid money for my property (again) but that money also paid for my peace of mind, my dog’s happiness and well-being and the key to the door that had kept me locked away from my true happiness.

Being on the pinnacle of that mountain I am now able to clearly see the type of love that I want, the type of love that I deserve.  Never again will I give away the pieces of myself to try to fit them into someone else’s unfinished puzzle.  After several years of restoring my sense of self, I am stronger than all the King’s horses and all the King’s men.  I was able to put myself together again.

Drawing from the well

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Strength is a funny thing. It can define us – whether that definition encompasses our physical capabilities, our mental prowess, our moral fortitude or our ability to influence others, it shapes our interpretation of ourselves. But sometimes those strengths lay dormant, content to be lying in wait until we truly need them. Moments in our lives require us to draw from the deep well of power and we never know how deep that well goes until we are thrown into the face of adversity.

strength

Our reservoirs go deeper than we can imagine. The individual wells that we pull from on a not-so-frequent basis house caverns of untapped vitality that seem to increase exponentially in potency the longer they lay at rest. And in those moments we are required to harness that energy, it obliges us with a fury that is all-encompassing and sometimes completely overwhelming.

Human strength is an anomaly. It has no true definition. It chooses how to manifest itself and how much of its raw power to reveal when it is truly needed. The vessel that contains that strength may have no concept of the absolute potential to harness that energy and may never have the chance to know its honest intentions until faced with the proverbial dragon.

Our trust in that strength is the key to its existence. The more we believe that we possess that strength, the more it thrives. Like any energy, it feeds on the positivity that we use to nourish it and continues to grow with that sustenance. It may feed and hibernate but, when it is required, that energy will wake, dust the cobwebs from its well and leap into action.

Hold true to your strength. Even though it may be deep below the surface of your reality, it pools in your subconscious, patiently waiting until you need it most. It is there – everyone has it. You just need to trust in its power and know that it is just waiting for your signal to unleash its fury.