Category Archives: be yourself

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

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Daily Prompt today is this – You need to make a major change in your life. Do you make it all at once, cold turkey style, or incrementally? 

I have had a great deal of change in the last two years of my life.  Because those changes deeply affected my life, they had to be well planned and contain a great deal of thought.

The first was the journey to lose weight.  I didn’t want a quick-fix fad diet that would guarantee losing 10 pounds in 3 days, I wanted a lifestyle change and I wanted to be healthy.  With a great deal of effort, I shifted my focus from ‘living to eat’ to ‘eating to live’ and it was worth doing it incrementally.  I lost 50 pounds and have kept it off.  Had I done the quick fix diet, I’m certain I not only would have gained the weight back, but increased my weight by a few more pounds.

The second major change was my divorce.  I had slowly become a person I was never meant to be.  I was drowning in a sea of bitterness and anger and those waves threatened to take any air that possibly remained in my lungs.  The decision to end my marriage was a monumental change in my existence, and after many failed attempts at fixing that relationship, I had to admit that it was beyond repair.  I left the broken pieces behind and slowly began rebuilding my life and rediscovering the happy person I once was.

Both of those changes deserved the time spent to follow through appropriately and go through the proper stages.  I may have over-thought both of them for a while, but in the end, I am where I need to be.

He just didn’t get it

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Each Romantic Monday I find my brain reflecting on past romances I have had in my life.  I fondly remember what was so beautiful about them, and I sadly recall the things that could have been so much better.

When I am in love, the object of my affection is well aware of my feelings.   I am very demonstrative with subtle touches and knowing looks, I am very generous with my words of love and support and I strive to achieve the element of surprise when it comes to giving little tokens to simply make that other person smile.

rose

For some reason, on my drive to work this morning I dredged up a past relationship that had been pronounced dead long before its time.  After many attempts to perform CPR on the lifeless romance, it flat-lined and I had to call it.  I walked away knowing I had done all I could to save it and scrubbed my hands of the regret.

But that premature death still bothers me, because he just didn’t get it.   I would leave cards or poems on his dashboard just to make him smile.  What I thought was keeping us close, inevitably drove a wedge between us and the diseased cells began to form.  He was unable to appreciate the gifts I gave because they made him feel guilty for not buying me gifts or leaving cards where I would find them hours later.  What he failed to realize, is the only thing I wanted in return was his love.  I didn’t expect him to mirror my efforts, but I did expect him to understand that those displays and those gifts were me.  And if he couldn’t accept those, he couldn’t accept me.  Time of death – 8:00 pm on a Tuesday long ago.

I still visit the shallow grave of that romance on occasion.  I used to leave flowers on the tombstone, but I have since realized they will never be appreciated.

Courage of conviction

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The Daily Prompt has inspired me once again.  Today’s prompt asks – tell us your favorite thing about yourself.

If you had asked me this question ten years ago I may not have been able respond.  Sure, there were things about myself that I liked.  I can sing pretty well, although I am too self-conscious to sing in front of anyone other than my dog.  I was pretty talented when it came to making and decorating wedding cakes.  But those things are just hobbies, things I seem to be able do with some sort of talent and things I enjoy.

During the past decade of my life, I seem to have gone through a metamorphosis, mentally and spiritually.  I found my inner compass and steadily began to acclimate to the new direction I was headed.  I found the courage of conviction to have a voice of my own.   I found the inner strength to truly believe that the talents I possess are worthy of comments, and I found the determination to follow my dream of being a writer.

Good things happen when you finally believe in yourself and my first published magazine article will be out in May.  That courage of conviction fueled the vehicle that led me here.  I trusted my talent, and more than that, I trusted myself.

I let my true colors finally shine through.

Every moment is important

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I was reading the new posts on Freshly Pressed and came across this post from grieftastic about Watching a Friend Die on Facebook.  It was heart wrenching and, in reading all of the moments so poignantly described, it really made me realize that every moment is important.  Every smile, every laugh and every argument combine to define a relationship.   And if we take any of those moments for granted, we are missing the true meaning of that relationship.

I posted yesterday about my best friend who was tragically taken from us far too soon.  She didn’t have a debilitating disease, we didn’t get to mentally prepare for her passing – she was just gone in an instant, and we didn’t get to say goodbye.  But every moment I had with her was precious, every moment is now a treasured memory and every moment was time I will never get back.

I was in the hospital when my dad took his last breath, but that is not the moment I remember.  The moments I cherish, much to my surprise, were the 6:00 am wake up calls on Christmas day.  For the years he was alive, I dreaded the thought of the phone ringing at that ungodly hour, but now, those are the moments with him that I miss the most.

Life is unpredictable and life is callous.  Often the things that we think will last forever can be taken in a second and the things we think should be easy are the biggest challenges.  I have a sadness for people who will never admit to making mistakes.  It is through my mistakes that I have learned more about myself and realized how truly important those moments were.  They helped to shape the person I have become and they will forever be a reminder of the person I could have been and not the person I am now.  They were important moments that gave me time to choose which person I wanted to be.

Every moment in our lives gives us a choice, but that moment will never again present itself in the same way.  It is a singular time in our lives – no two moments will be exactly the same.  You may watch the sun rise every morning for a week, but there will something unique in each moment of each day that will define that sunrise.

Sunrise

Every moment is important.  Knowing that, and truly embracing that, will help us take the time to ingest those precious seconds.  The things that you say cannot be taken back.  The things that you do will leave lasting memories.  And the things you experience will be a part of your history.  Choose wisely in your actions, for they will be the things that people will remember when you’re gone.

Two words that shouldn’t be so offensive

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Today’s world is a far cry from simple.  It is a labyrinth of cultures, race, skin color and vastly different systems of belief.  It is a melting pot of strong ideals and judgements, and it is quickly becoming far less tolerant than it once was.

I happen to celebrate Christmas, and in the process of that celebration I can be heard uttering two words that, although were once mainstream, are now, by some, thought to be completely offensive.  Merry Christmas.  Two words that contain the ideals of the child I once was and now hold dear the spirit of a celebration that I embrace.

I am not a vindictive person and when I choose to verbalize those two words, I am not negating the fact that you may not celebrate this particular holiday.  I am choosing to share my love of the holiday season in my way.  I am attempting to insinuate my child-like joy into the moments of your day by choosing to wish you the best of the holiday season in a way that I learned through osmosis.  There used to be something exceptionally special about watching the joy spread by speaking those two words.  It was like watching a wave of true happiness spread from one person to the next.  Now, instead of riding that wave, it is more like treading lightly on the edge of the water, ever mindful of sharp objects in the sand.

I have felt trapped at times, wondering if I should only articulate the two words that do not seem to easily offend, but happy holidays doesn’t encapsulate the true spirit I have at this time of the year.  Sure, it may be less offensive to some, but perhaps they don’t take the time to know the feeling behind the words.  By wishing you a Merry Christmas, I am merely saying that I want you to enjoy your way of celebrating as much as I enjoy mine and somehow inject some of my cheer into your day.

So let me throw caution to the wind and impart my holiday spirit to you on this Sunday morning.  Merry Christmas to all and may the spirit of the holiday season, whatever your holiday may be, bring merriment to your smile and gladness to your heart.

Nicknames

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I have had the good fortune of growing up with a nickname.  It has defined me in a way my given name will never have the capacity of doing.  There is not a single person in my life that can recall how it originated, but I have nonetheless been called Tooie since I was a young child.

There have been many theories developed in an attempt to come up with the birth of the name, but none have resembled any sort of believable truth.   There are people in my life that would struggle to come up with my legal given name, and that has never struck me as an oddity.  It is a comforting feeling having people refer to my nickname as if it were the name on my birth certificate.  My dad, before he passed away, made sure that my legacy follows me everywhere, literally.  My last Christmas present from him was a license plate that says TOOIE.

Even though that moniker has followed me throughout my time on this earth, I would never change that part of my life.  It is how I define myself.  It is a term of endearment that was mysteriously bestowed on me at a young age and will follow me into my twilight years. When I am 90 years old, my nephews will still refer to me as Auntie Tooie.

Some people will shrug off a nickname as they get older, feeling like it is suspending them in an alternate linear timeline, but nicknames have a way of attaching themselves to our evolving reality.  They are usually given as a sign of affection, and I will continue to embrace mine. Perhaps I will never know how it truly came to be, but I will cherish the family and friends that keep the sentiment alive and well by always referring to me as Tooie.

If you’ve ever been given a nickname….share it with me.  I’d love to know what other names you go by!!

What do your apps say about you?

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I was browsing through the apps on my iPhone recently.  It amused me how a collection of digital images can sum up my personality, but there is complete truth in that statement.   In the myriad of apps available to owners of iPhones, my collection really does exemplify the things that I am most passionate about.  Sure, there are a few versions of Angry Birds for those moments of distraction, but the majority of those apps revolve around words, music, golf and football.

Not only do I have a dictionary and thesaurus, I have an app to take notes for future blog posts or story ideas as well as a voice recorder in case the ghost writing on the white board in my brain happens while I am behind the wheel.  And I, of course, have my Kindle app so I am afforded the luxury of reading whenever I have a few stolen moments to escape reality.

I always liked to think that there may still be some mystery to me, but after looking at the items on my phone that represent who I am, ironically I seem to be an open book.  The mystery has dissolved and I seemingly wear my heart on my sleeve, or in this case, my phone.

There is something to be said for people being able to see the real you.  Have a look at your phone.  What do your apps say about you?

A Dog May Bark, But the Train Keeps Moving

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There are sayings that have been around for centuries, and when you hear them, they may make absolutely no sense whatsoever – until you delve into the meaning behind them.

Everyone must live the life they want to lead.  Although we must all take heed of the laws that govern us, we must nonetheless march to the beat of our own drummer and do what is right for us. Our life train gains speed the more decisions we make that allow us to follow the track that we have set for ourselves.  But there are always those naysayers that will agree to disagree and never concede to our ideals.

They are the proverbial dogs that are barking at our train as it roars along on its path.  But our train will keep moving.  One small voice, or one bark, cannot change the momentum of a speeding freight train. As our locomotive barrels along its intended path, the voices of the barking dogs recede and get lost in the din of metal on metal.

Those dogs will always continue to bark as the train passes, but the strength in that one bark has no consequence on our journey.  Our train will continue to roll on and quell the growl of the hounds nipping at our heels.

The more we believe in the direction that our speeding locomotive is taking us, the quieter those barking dogs become until we cannot hear them at all.   Believe in the path you are taking.  Let that train follow on the track you have set and don’t let one small dog’s bark or one voice derail the itinerary of your life.