The art of building and maintaining a relationship is a craft that is sometimes difficult to master. There is a fine balance between debating and fighting and it is a balance that every couple has to find.
(image courtesy of Google)
When they say all is fair in love and war, what they are really saying is – it has to be fair. There are things everyone needs in their relationships and everyone’s needs are different. You may need to feel supported or you may need to feel challenged, but everyone has a need. It is up to you to figure out what your needs really are and, at the end of process, to be fair to your partner while fulfilling those needs.
I was talking to a good friend recently about what he needs and we talked about “the list” – taking the time to write the list of what is important to you in a relationship, what type of feedback matters to you and writing those needs on a piece of paper. If you put those feelings out into the universe and let the world know what you need, it WILL find you. And that is part of being fair to yourself. Being fair to your partner comes as part and parcel of that relationship package.
It may seem trite, but if you can admit to yourself what is important to you, you have a much better chance of finding that partner that will possess all the things you need and will be fair in the love portion of your relationship as well as the war portion. Dialogue is crucial to a successful relationship. That dialogue may be saturated with verbosity destined for a soap opera or it may be immersed in a battle fit for Judge Judy. Regardless of the definition that banter needs to be suited to what you need in your life or it will never succeed as a relationship.
When you consider a potential partner, you need to assess what parts of love and what parts of war you require to make you content with that alliance. If you need that person to challenge your opinions, than find someone who will thrive on that debating process. If you need to be supported and not challenged, than find a lover who will never second guess your intentions. Ultimately you choose the person that is privileged enough to share your life. Pick the piece that fits your puzzle.
What are the most important qualities you would put on your list?