I read a post on Facebook today from a friend of mine who is at the one year anniversary of his father’s passing. I would like to tell him that it gets easier with time, but I can’t. So many people offer those words as an attempt to comfort those who have lost a loved one. Since I have lost both of my parents, and many other loved ones for that matter, I am well versed at saying ‘thank you, I hope so’ when those words were spoken to me.
But I have learned a great truth about loss. It doesn’t get easier. The pain of loss is never really assuaged by time. The polite phrase spoken by so many holds a great sentiment but very little truth.
What I have learned, however, is that the pain is slowly muted by the memories. That pain still burns like a lingering flame, concealed far below the surface, and it can be turned into a raging inferno with a single spark. But that pain is much less visceral than it once was and shouldering their absence seems much more bearable.
With each passing year I recognize a growing trend in my patterns. Habits that I picked up subconsciously from those loved ones who are gone seem to emerge inexplicably but they are familiar and comforting traits. Idioms used by my dad tumble out of my mouth before I even have a chance to realize what I am saying. My arm in the window of my car as I drive, elbow on the bottom and only two fingers hooked in the top, is exactly how my mother used to position herself driving up to the cottage when we were young.
It doesn’t make the loss any easier but it is those little things that make us know that their life lives on through our lives. We get to keep some of the best parts of them alive because mimicking their characteristics keeps their spirit close. The pain will always reside in us as proof that the love we had for them was fierce. It doesn’t get easier, it just gets manageable.
polysyllabic profundities 
You are exactly right about grief and loss, but I was especially taken with your observation about allowing yourself to be comforted when you see your mother and father in yourself. Such a wonderful way to remember them – I’m afraid I seem to remind myself more and more of my mother the older I get – I wish I’d gotten some of her more endearing traits! 🙂
Thanks Sheila….it does make the loss a little easier to bear when you see a bit of them in you. 🙂
I hope the happy memories of your parents will carry you through the holiday season, Susan. Praying for you.
Thanks Jill. The moments are much better this year than they were last holiday season. 🙂
I’m happy to hear that, Susan.
No one can feel the true pain of someone who has lost someone because one can never be in one’s position truly. We can try to feel their pain, try to present our words of sympathy, try to offer our shoulders but in the end nothing can lessen their grief. I wish your friend finds peace.
Thank you so much. That is very sweet of you.
What Sheila Morris said. I am happy to hear you find some peace knowing the positive ways someone (in this case, your parents) has affected you. Some people find that difficult to grab in their moments of deepest grief. You express this all beautifully (the last two sentences, at least, really should be framed), and what a thoughtful way to express empathy for your friend. No use in giving him empty platitudes or half-truths.
Thank you very much. I really appreciate everything you said. 🙂
Time heals all wounds is crap. Maybe the pain diminishes. But it doesn’t get easier, not for a long time. Nice realistic post.
Thanks very much for stopping by and leaving a comment.
I am still on your page. That post is so real. Until someone experiences the loss of a loved one, you really don’t know how it feels.
And every grieving experience is different. I lost both my parents and would never think I could tell someone how to move forward. It doesn’t work that way.
No, it doesn’t. Everyone has to learn. It is part of the circle of life. (Now, I’m quoting The Lion King.)
Haha….it could be worse. You could quote from The Sixth Sense and tell me you see dead people.
LOL You out sillied me. That isn’t easy. You have me in tears. lol
Lol….sending tissues, presently.
That is a lovely way of putting it. I see the loss of a loved one as a hole that never gets filled. Time might take the sting out of the pain but never fills the hole.
I truly agree with that.
So true. I lost my younger (and only) brother last year. It still hurts, tears still flow and though the laughter is back, life is just not the same anymore. Thank you for this post. 😊 Merry Xmas!
Thank you very much! Merry Christmas to you as well. 🙂
And I’m so sorry to hear about your brother. What an awful loss.
Thank you so much for the kind words. Yes, still finding it difficult to come to terms with this. But the happy memories help! xx
They certainly do.
😊