Category Archives: understand yourself

All is fair in love and war

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The art of building and maintaining a relationship is a craft that is sometimes difficult to master.  There is a fine balance between debating and fighting and it is a balance that every couple has to find.

love and war

 

(image courtesy of Google)

When they say all is fair in love and war, what they are really saying is – it has to be fair.  There are things everyone needs in their relationships and everyone’s needs are different.  You may need to feel supported or you may need to feel challenged, but everyone has a need.  It is up to you to figure out what your needs really are and, at the end of process, to be fair to your partner while fulfilling those needs.

I was talking to a good friend recently about what he needs and we talked about “the list” – taking the time to write the list of what is important to you in a relationship, what type of feedback matters to you and writing those needs on a piece of paper.  If you put those feelings out into the universe and let the world know what you need, it WILL find you.  And that is part of being fair to yourself.  Being fair to your partner comes as part and parcel of that relationship package.

It may seem trite, but if you can admit to yourself what is important to you, you have a much better chance of finding that partner that will possess all the things you need and will be fair in the love portion of your relationship as well as the war portion. Dialogue is crucial to a successful relationship.  That dialogue may be saturated with verbosity destined for a soap opera or it may be immersed in a battle fit for Judge Judy.  Regardless of the definition that banter needs to be suited to what you need in your life or it will never succeed as a relationship.

When you consider a potential partner, you need to assess what parts of love and what parts of war you require to make you content with that alliance. If you need that person to challenge your opinions, than find someone who will thrive on that debating process.  If you need to be supported and not challenged, than find a lover who will never second guess your intentions.  Ultimately you choose the person that is privileged enough to share your life.  Pick the piece that fits your puzzle.

What are the most important qualities you would put on your list?

my words

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(image courtesy of Google)

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my words embrace me.

my words do not judge me from the outside.

my words speak volumes about who I am underneath.

my words define me in a way my speech never will.

my words convey an emotion that churns in the pit of my being.

my words will help you see who I truly am without the facade that I present.

my words are me.

my words allow me to speak with no sound.

my words allow me to feel with no pain.

my words are who I am and not who I pretend to be.

my words come from my soul and not from my mind.

my words drip with my emotion.

my words are rich with imagery.

my words are me.

my words bring me to a place of comfort.

my words help me find understanding.

my words draw characters in my imagination.

my words make those characters breathe life.

my words implore me to continue my journey.

my words free my creativity.

my words are me.

I’m sure the water is fine – Trifecta Challenge

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I’ve never been afraid of the water.  But perhaps after spending five years trying to calm the waves in my marriage I have been left with the slightest hesitation about diving back in.  Divorce can feel like a Tsunami, like the calm before the storm.  There is a sense of peace and strange tranquility and then the rush of emotion comes like a tidal wave engulfing everything in its path. And like the Tsunami, you know that wave is coming but it’s nearly impossible to get to a safe haven.

tsunami

(image courtesy of Google)

The dating pool, although seemingly non-threatening compared to the violent storm waves, beckons and standing on the edge of that pool is just as daunting as watching that tide surge forward.  The water may seem calm on the surface but the hidden dangers lie beneath that placid sheen and the potential for another storm gives me pause.  The slightest touch of the surface causes ripples and pushes me back from the edge of the pool.

I watch as the ripples dissipate.  The soft blue glow seems so inviting, but the dormant threat still lurks under the veil waiting to lure me closer to the edge, waiting to gently touch my skin and pull me under when I am blissfully unaware of the current below.  I can’t swim, not now.  Maybe sometime soon I will remember how wonderful it felt to float in that water, how comforting it was to be surrounded by its warmth and to feel buoyant.  Maybe soon, but not now.

I’m sure the water is fine, but I don’t think I’m ready yet to hold my breath and jump.  For now I’m content to sit on the edge of the pool and exhaust every argument in my head as to why I shouldn’t just take the plunge.

~

This was written for the Trifecta Challenge:
EXHAUST (transitive verb)
1a : to consume entirely : use up <exhausted our funds in a week>
b : to tire extremely or completely <exhausted by overwork>
c : to deprive of a valuable quality or constituent <exhaust a photographic developer>
2a : to draw off or let out completely
b : to empty by drawing off the contents; specifically : to create a vacuum in
3a : to consider or discuss (a subject) thoroughly or completely  

Please remember:
  • Your response must be between 33 and 333 words.
  • You must use the 3rd definition of the given word in your post.
  • The word itself needs to be included in your response.
  • You may not use a variation of the word; it needs to be exactly as stated above.
  • Only one entry per writer.
  • Trifecta is open to everyone.  Please join us.

The Bones of Life

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We all need three bones to survive, a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone.  It may seem like a uninspired observation, but those bones really brings us to the essence of making the most of our lives. These three bones, in their simplicity, outline what really should be important to us as individuals.

A wishbone will keep our imagination and hopes alive.  It gives us permission to dream and it keeps those visions alive and breathing within us.  The moment that we don’t bother to dream any more about what is still possible is the moment that the biggest and most youthful part of us dies.  Dreams are the rainbow of our soul and they give us that straw that we can grasp when reality overwhelms us.

Our backbone will lend us strength to persevere.  Life can’t always be about dreams and rainbows.  Developing a strong backbone will help guide us through those difficult and traumatic times and help develop a real sense of self.  Having the fortitude to put enough faith in ourselves makes our backbone that much stronger and makes us able to cope with the concrete that paves the path of our lives.

Our funny bone will give us the perspective to let the will of our wishbone and our backbone blend into a harmonious and happy medium.  There is a fine balance between reality and comedy, and it is that comedy that will bring that panorama of our world into a spectrum of colors that will be objective, yet frivolous.  Maintaining that sense of humor can only help get us through this journey with a sense of the childhood wonder and laughter that we all want so desperately to hold onto.

Take good care of those three bones.  They build the foundation of who we are and where we want to go.  And just remember, if they break, any bone can always mend with the proper care and attention.

Slaying the dragon

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Even if it is broken, it can’t always be fixed ~SN.

My mother always used to tell me that I like to find the ‘broken ducks’ and fix them…..and it’s true.   I seem to be magnetically drawn to people who I think I can “save” in some way, even though they may not be looking for salvation.  If I look at it honestly, with no rose-colored glasses, my childhood perpetuated this need to create a sane world in a universe of quiet insanity.  On the outside our life was perfect, but on the inside there were things that created the person I am today and ingrained the need to make life as perfect on the inside as it seemed on the outside.  But I chose to focus on others rather than focusing  on myself.  I felt the need to create a picture by painting by the numbers that belonged to other people instead of the numbers on my blank canvas.  I grew up as a child of two alcoholic parents and the need to fix my parents spun into a life of restoring a sense of normalcy in every life but my own.

No matter the size of sword you carry, sometimes the dragon is bigger than you anticipated and it cannot be conquered by steel alone.  Although I spent many years of my youth trying to slay that beast, it had far more power than I anticipated and my life became a battle far greater than a teenaged girl was prepared to face.  The need to vanquish that dragon spilled into my marriage and the cycle of alcoholism and redemption breathed new life.  The dragon was alive and well with a different face and a new attitude, but it was the same dragon I had been battling for years.

slaying the dragon

(Photo courtesy of Google)

Perhaps it was the wisdom that came with age, or perhaps the sword I had been wielding had gained strength over the years, but the dragon I was faced with in the days of being married didn’t seem to possess as much strength as the dragon of my youth and I was able to overcome its fiery existence and reclaim the life I was meant to have.  Maybe that dragon still lingers, awaiting its chance for revenge, but I have finally drawn the line.  My stance is rigid and I am ready for that battle.

If there is anything this blogging journey has taught me, it is to be honest.  Not only honest in my life, but honest in my writing as well.  And whether that honesty presents itself in traits of a character or a mere extension of myself in this forum, it is freeing.  I have shared parts of myself I never thought I would divulge and it has liberated a piece of myself long since buried.  I have fixed myself by escaping the confines of my past and breaking down the walls that caged my future and instead have trapped the dragon in that cage.

I don’t know if I’m writing this to remind myself of the strength that I need to hold close to my heart or if I am writing this to finally free the dragon that I may never slay.  Regardless, tears slowly slide down my cheek as I free this last bit of anguish and look ahead to what will be.  I cannot change the past, but I can certainly shape my future by letting that dragon rest as I move on to a new castle that is free of that beast.

My life is a blank canvas.  It awaits a new story board and a tale that is yet to be written.  And maybe the canvas is slightly damaged, but I will embrace those impurities because the vision of the artist still holds the potential for a beautiful new masterpiece that is waiting to be created.

Let it go

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It takes all kinds to make the world go ’round.  My mother uttered that phrase many times during my youth, but I never truly engaged that concept until I became much older.  Life happens and, whatever that happening may be, people experience it in many different ways.  Although that instance may not have negative connotations, for many it will affect them in a way in which they cannot move forward.  They dwell on that instance and it becomes far more of a dramatic scene than was originally intended.  That moment ulcerates their brain and they cannot accept it for what it was and simply move on, and they will remind you of that circumstance every chance they get.

I have never shared that mentality.  Much like the beginning of the Serenity Prayer, I accept the little things I cannot change.  For me, that moment of acceptance allows me to move forward and not dwell on insignificant details that don’t affect others around me.  It becomes a learning tool, and with that learning comes a moderate increase in wisdom.  But for some it is difficult to let it go.  Although I can empathize with their initial reaction, I cannot understand how some people allow simple events to turn into situations of catastrophic proportion.

Those jagged barbs of bitterness are nourished and the anger grows into a withering garden of resentment.  For the unsettled mind, continuing to point the blame is the only course of action that will assuage their anger.  But they are only making life more difficult than it need be.  And those difficult people only make me realize more and more the person I choose not to be.  I don’t want to hold onto that moment.  I don’t want to let it permeate my thoughts and affect my mood.  I want to take it for what it was and let the rest of my life unfold without holding onto unwanted anger.

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Choosing how to deal with those moments, for me, is like flipping a coin.  If I choose heads, I can process the moment, learn from it and move on.  If I choose tails, I will chase that moment in circles until I am exhausted and the end result will still be the same.  Thankfully the coin I toss has two heads.

 

Courage of conviction

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The Daily Prompt has inspired me once again.  Today’s prompt asks – tell us your favorite thing about yourself.

If you had asked me this question ten years ago I may not have been able respond.  Sure, there were things about myself that I liked.  I can sing pretty well, although I am too self-conscious to sing in front of anyone other than my dog.  I was pretty talented when it came to making and decorating wedding cakes.  But those things are just hobbies, things I seem to be able do with some sort of talent and things I enjoy.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZV3NpO7U0j0

During the past decade of my life, I seem to have gone through a metamorphosis, mentally and spiritually.  I found my inner compass and steadily began to acclimate to the new direction I was headed.  I found the courage of conviction to have a voice of my own.   I found the inner strength to truly believe that the talents I possess are worthy of comments, and I found the determination to follow my dream of being a writer.

Good things happen when you finally believe in yourself and my first published magazine article will be out in May.  That courage of conviction fueled the vehicle that led me here.  I trusted my talent, and more than that, I trusted myself.

I let my true colors finally shine through.

It’s a dog eat dog world, and I’m wearing Milkbone underwear

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Although this subject line was “borrowed” from a Cheers episode from many years ago, it seemed to aptly portray my mood.  Perhaps the pathetic fallacy of the mottled grey sky and shards of freezing rain were a foreshadowing of what my mood would evolve into today.  Regardless of the cause, the outcome was a mixed bag of lethargy and despondency that I am not used to experiencing.

dog-eat-dog2

I am that annoying person that can always see the silver lining in any cloud.  My glass is always half full, and the sun will always come out tomorrow.  I don’t want you to think I have rainbows projecting from my nether regions, but I pride myself on being that positive force in the room.  Although there may be an occasional prism of colors that expounds from some orifice,  it generally refracts from the smile in my eyes.

Everyone has their down days.  It’s what helps bring balance to our world and makes us appreciate those good days that much more.  After several hours of wallowing in my funk, my mood thankfully did not mature into a self-perpetuating cycle of angst and commiseration.  I did not send out invitations to my pity party.  Instead, I gave myself a proverbial slap in the face and snapped out of my self-purported misery.

After returning home, all is right with the world.  The glass of wine is poured and the words, once again, are cascading from the recesses of my brain and spilling out through my fingertips.  The earth is back on its axis, the glass is still half full (although I’m doing my best to empty it), and the smile is back on my face.

How do you deal with the bad days?

Here’s your stick…..draw your line

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The sand lays in wait. Millions of grains stretch for miles and the beach seems to be swallowed by the horizon line.  But you boldly step forward, take that stick (or your finger) and draw your line.

Personal limits are a must-have.  By setting boundaries, by drawing that line in the sand, we take a giant step towards preserving our integrity.  The line we draw becomes an invisible wall of defiance and gives us the strength to truly stand behind what we believe in and allows us to have the courage to defend that wall.

Knowing where you stand is more than half the battle.  Many people can aimlessly wander through life with no true convictions.  They are easily swayed and can become lost in the crowd, without ever truly engaging their basic human right to have an opinion.  But allowing ourselves to have that opinion can define who we are, to the core of our being, with no outside influence and no second-guessing.  We can create a line that we won’t cross to avoid being swallowed in the maelstrom of millions of other ideals that don’t represent our own.

It’s perfectly okay to have boundaries.  Our opinions are like doorways to our mind.  We can leave those doors wide open and allow others to come in and hear those opinions, or those doors can remain closed to safeguard our thoughts without really having to defend that line.

Have an opinion and be willing to stand behind it.  Here’s your stick – feel free to draw your line.

By the pricking of my thumbs – something wicked this way comes

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Intuition is a perplexing thing.  Our body is a natural conduit for energy, and that energy has an odd, but effective way of giving us warning signs that danger is lurking.   The witches in Macbeth described the feeling as a pricking in their thumbs.  We may feel it when the hair on the nape of our neck stands at attention, but the premise is the same.  Our gut is sending a message that our brain cannot ignore.

Usually we can’t understand the visceral reaction to a certain circumstance, but we have to put our faith in its validity.  That little voice gets very vocal when it feels imminent danger, and usually that voice is spot on.  Everyone is born with the gift of intuition, but it is how we heed the wisdom of that instinctive feeling that is of great benefit to us.

That moment when something wicked does actually come may be completely averted by listening to those nagging doubts in our mind.  Those doubts exist for a reason.  There is a power far beyond some people’s belief or comfort level that aids in our self-preservation.   That terse glance over our shoulder, the quickening of our step while walking in the dark – both may feel cryptic and unnecessary, but listening to those pestering whispers may help us avoid an uncomfortable situation.

That intuition may also have altruistic applications.  The stirring in our senses does not always represent peril, but could also put us on the path to good fortune.  The Yin and Yang of those intuitive forces can also help us make decisions for our benefit and not just our physical longevity.   Our lives are based on choices and that same power of perception can guide us through those choices and help us discover the best path for our journey.

My thumbs do not become prickly, nor does the hair stand up on my neck.  I get goosebumps, and that chicken skin that was once my flesh has never steered me wrong.  Hopefully when something wicked this way really does come, I will be the human version of Foghorn Leghorn, plucked and covered with a roadmap of goose-flesh to guide me to safety.