“All the King’s horses and all the King’s men, couldn’t put Humpty together again.” ~ James William Elliott
I would never describe myself as a wallflower. I’m very willing to stand out, stand up for myself and take charge of my life. If something is not working I will give one hundred percent to fix it but, if it is beyond repair, I’m not afraid to walk away knowing I gave it everything I could. Thus was the lesson it took me half a lifetime to learn and thus was the story of my marriage.
Hindsight is a giant pain in the ass. I don’t care if it is 20/20, it still sucks. If I were completely honest with myself, I should have known better before I made that march down the aisle, with my brother on one arm and my mom on the other. As I stood waiting for the music to start, I looked at him waiting for me at the other end of that runway to my future. I really looked at him. And for the first time I could see how truly broken he was. I knew in my gut that this would not be my forever but I wanted so badly to fix him. I wanted to be enough to make him want to change but his demons were bigger and far more powerful than any strength or love I could throw at them and I finally had to admit defeat. It was time for that broken duck to find a new pond and keep himself afloat without using me as his water-wings.
After he left something happened that I had not anticipated – I immediately found my joy again. The saddest part of that statement is that I didn’t even know it was gone. I was so lost in the spiral of break and repair, I didn’t have time to notice that I was unhappy. It’s sad to say that it took him leaving for me to be myself again but that is exactly what happened. When that reality hit me, I cried. I cried for the pieces of myself that I lost through the process and I cried because I had just given myself permission to get those pieces back and put myself together again, to become whole. If I performed an autopsy on the relationship, perhaps I would realize that the cause of death was that I was the one that had become broken. Somewhere, in what should have been wedded bliss, a small crack had pierced my armor and my happiness began to seep through that fissure. I was like a tire with a slow leak that you don’t notice until it is completely flat.
(image credit: vi.sualize.us)
A very wise fellow blogger once said something that has always stuck with me “the steeper the climb, the better the view”. (Thanks Ned) I began my journey back to happiness by taking that first giant step and, although my gait was awkward in the beginning, I continued to put one foot in front of the other to reach that summit. The pieces of myself that I had lost were scattered along the path to the top and I collected them as I endured the uphill battle.
During the climb I paid money for my property (again) but that money also paid for my peace of mind, my dog’s happiness and well-being and the key to the door that had kept me locked away from my true happiness.
Being on the pinnacle of that mountain I am now able to clearly see the type of love that I want, the type of love that I deserve. Never again will I give away the pieces of myself to try to fit them into someone else’s unfinished puzzle. After several years of restoring my sense of self, I am stronger than all the King’s horses and all the King’s men. I was able to put myself together again.