Category Archives: be yourself

Excuse me, I’m trying to scurry here….

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The Daily Prompt has asked this question: Do parties and crowds fill you with energy, or send you scurrying for peace and quiet?

When I was younger crowds never bothered me.  I went to concerts and enjoyed the combined energy that only a crowd could produce.  But as I’ve gotten older, I have achieved an extreme level of distaste for feeling like a turtle caught in a school of fish.

turtle-amongst-school-of-fish

(photo credit: twistedsifter.com)

That mass of people who hurtle themselves in all directions seem to have no awareness of those around them and give me the sense that I have lost control of my own trajectory.  Malls are especially unsettling for me and I avoid them like the plague, especially during the holidays.  Although there is greater risk of credit cards being compromised with the advancement of hacker technology, I am happy to sit in the comfort of my own home and shop online for those gifts that cannot be purchased locally.

A small party with an intimate group of friends is bliss.  I tend to relax and am able to be myself, allowing my goofy personality to take center stage and I feel more comfortable asserting my need to be the life of the party.  That assertion becomes non-existent in large groups and I get a growing sense of discomfort feeling like that lost turtle again.

Give me a subdued night with good friends, good food and good wine any day.  My life now is about developing those close relationships with people who matter to me.  I don’t miss the feeling of being a pinball in an arena sized game and playing hide and seek with friends in a crowd of 20,000 people.

The cover looked so good

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The bar was at capacity and the air was electric.  The band was loud and the crowd was euphoric, floating on the notes of the songs and dancing like nobody was watching.

He saw me first.  I was at the bar doing everything I could to get the bartender’s attention when he casually slipped in beside me.  With one flick of his hand he elicited a response from the bartender and my drink was ordered for me.  It wasn’t what I was drinking, but I guess he assumed I would enjoy it because it was free.

He was attractive and seemed to ooze charm.  We became engaged in conversation and I was drawn in by his deep blue eyes.  There was a merriment in those eyes and his words fell on deaf ears until I regained my composure and began to participate in the rhetoric.  My attempts to interject words into his monologue, however, were in vain and all I could do was sip the foreign liquid in my glass, nod my head and smile.  I did manage to utter a few “mmm hmmm’s” to make it seem like I was mildly interested.

His inflated ego began to infect my mood.  The conversation revolved solely around him and the walls felt like they were closing in.  I was beginning to suffocate as he used all the available air to continue to talk about himself.  I slowly began to back away from the bar and I don’t even think he noticed.  I lost myself in the swaying crowd and found my way to the door.  As I glanced back to look at him one more time, he was still talking but there was nobody there to listen.

The outward look of him held so much promise.  Too bad the meat of his story contained only one word repeatedly typed on every page – me, me, me.  I should know better than to judge a book by its cover.

~

This post was written for the Trifecta Challenge:

Please pay attention to the third definition this week.  If your post has to do with bacteria or disease, you’ve likely misused the word.

INFECT
1: to contaminate with a disease-producing substance or agent (as bacteria)
2a : to communicate a pathogen or a disease to
b : of a pathogenic organism : to invade (an individual or organ) usually by penetration
c : of a computer virus : to become transmitted and copied to (as a computer)
3a : contaminate, corrupt <the inflated writing that infects such stories>  
b : to work upon or seize upon so as to induce sympathy, belief, or support <trying to infect their salespeople with their enthusiasm>

My life is a romantic comedy, minus the romance

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Romance_Is_In_The_Air_2_by_welshdragon

(photo credit: hdw.eweb4.com)

For the past few months, I have been inspired by the genius idea from one Mr. Edward Hotspur.  He has encouraged us to write about romance, whether it is poetry, short fiction or a personal reflection.  I love everything that romance embodies, but the posts I have written that were spurred on by the Monday challenge were all pulled from the vault of my memories, fond recollections or wishes for the future.  My life, although loosely resembling a romantic comedy, currently contains no romance.

My daily existence does round out the rest of the requirements for the romantic comedy.  I’ve got some unique personality traits that could create a funny story line, I’ve got some quirky friends that make an appearance every few episodes, I have a job that allows me some creative material and a dog that could steal the show.

Living in a small town doesn’t afford too many opportunities to stumble upon romance.  I’ve caved a couple of times and tried online dating sites to see who may be lurking out there, but even the sights that promise to deliver matches based on specific traits that I have listed as important seem to fish in the shallow end of that dating pool.  I’m amazed at some of the “matches” that are sent my way and the online romantic search ends before it really begins.  Even though I have moments of bravery thinking I will give it another shot, I recall this experience and run, screaming, away from my laptop.

Although I’m fine being on my own, I find inspiration in the stories and poetry I read on this blog site written by strangers and by new friends.  They are happy to shout their romantic thoughts and experiences and it makes me want to continue the quest for that ever elusive romance.  The dream of him is still alive and I will continue to hold that dream close.  If we don’t embrace the darkness, we will never be able to see the stars.

What we’ve got here is failure to communicate

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Cool Hand Luke – so cool, and so right.  Good communication is the cornerstone to any relationship.  Whether it be a work situation or an intimate kinship, the ability to be able to convey an idea through honest and open dialogue is the key to any successful alliance.

communicate

(image credit: 123rf.com)

Most human beings like to avoid conflict as much as possible.  The thought of an open discussion, face to face, with the person you need to deal with is unbearable.  We tend to alleviate the anxiety of that topic by discussing it with a multitude of other people rather than facing the dragon head on.  But we fail to realize we are only delaying the inevitable and that myriad of other people we share our dilemma with will only add fuel to the original fire, giving it the potential to burn uncontrollably.

Life could be so much less complicated if we always had the nerve to face our problems head on and communicate our issues with the person that is at the root of our predicament.  I have been guilty of avoiding confrontation myself but the end result was always exponentially worse because I was not dealing with the quandary first hand and I let outside influences sway my judgement.

I have made a much more conscious effort to communicate my thoughts and deal directly with situations before they spiral out of control.  Sure, summoning the courage to take the first step is difficult but ultimately clearing the air at the very beginning of the conflict will allow you to breathe easier in the long run.  The conflict can be easily resolved if it’s not allowed to take on a life of its own and the weight of the problem that sits on your shoulders is assuaged.

I am slowly building the courage to face my demons directly and not allow other voices to be my own.  Only I can have the most honest discussion about the issue that I am faced with and I am learning to have faith in my ability to communicate.  One honest voice is louder than a crowd.

What do you do when faced with a situation that requires confrontation?

Only You – Romantic Monday

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Technically it is still Sunday, but Romantic Monday has captured me again!  Thank you Edward Hotspur for encouraging us to pour our hearts out.

only-you-logosmall

Only you can make my heart skip a beat with one look.  You see me like no other person ever will because you don’t look at me, you look into me.  You see my beauty beyond the boundaries of flesh.  You see my soul.  You see the love and happiness that I hold close, but you also see the pain and heartache that balances me.

Only you can light my skin on fire with a single touch.  A simple gesture, a hand gently tracing my cheek and my body warms to your touch.  Your lips barely graze mine but I feel a slight quiver sensing the emotion of that moment.  I know the passion that lurks behind that kiss.

Only you make me want to dream of the impossible because everything seems attainable with you by my side.  There is no limit to imagination.  There is only you, encouraging my dreams and wanting to be a part of them.  You understand when I hear whispers in the wind.  You enjoy my child-like excitement when I discover new stories in my head and you appreciate that I have to put them to paper as soon as I have them.

Only you know my need to be accepted for who I am and not who people want me to be.  You encourage me to be an individual and embrace the quirks that have created the person I have become.  You appreciate that I feel like a Raggedy-Ann in a Barbie Doll world, but you would rather be Raggedy-Andy than Ken any day of the week.

Only you are the part of me I didn’t know I was missing.  It will always be only you.

If only I knew where to find you.

All is fair in love and war

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The art of building and maintaining a relationship is a craft that is sometimes difficult to master.  There is a fine balance between debating and fighting and it is a balance that every couple has to find.

love and war

 

(image courtesy of Google)

When they say all is fair in love and war, what they are really saying is – it has to be fair.  There are things everyone needs in their relationships and everyone’s needs are different.  You may need to feel supported or you may need to feel challenged, but everyone has a need.  It is up to you to figure out what your needs really are and, at the end of process, to be fair to your partner while fulfilling those needs.

I was talking to a good friend recently about what he needs and we talked about “the list” – taking the time to write the list of what is important to you in a relationship, what type of feedback matters to you and writing those needs on a piece of paper.  If you put those feelings out into the universe and let the world know what you need, it WILL find you.  And that is part of being fair to yourself.  Being fair to your partner comes as part and parcel of that relationship package.

It may seem trite, but if you can admit to yourself what is important to you, you have a much better chance of finding that partner that will possess all the things you need and will be fair in the love portion of your relationship as well as the war portion. Dialogue is crucial to a successful relationship.  That dialogue may be saturated with verbosity destined for a soap opera or it may be immersed in a battle fit for Judge Judy.  Regardless of the definition that banter needs to be suited to what you need in your life or it will never succeed as a relationship.

When you consider a potential partner, you need to assess what parts of love and what parts of war you require to make you content with that alliance. If you need that person to challenge your opinions, than find someone who will thrive on that debating process.  If you need to be supported and not challenged, than find a lover who will never second guess your intentions.  Ultimately you choose the person that is privileged enough to share your life.  Pick the piece that fits your puzzle.

What are the most important qualities you would put on your list?

Opinions are like belly buttons

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I have never had much faith in my ideas.  I used to think my opinion wouldn’t be worth the air used to expel my thoughts.  But I’ve come to realize through blogging that there will always be at least one person who shares my opinion.  Some of my thoughts may go against the grain and rub people the wrong way, but opinions are like belly buttons, everyone has one.  Inevitably the words I put into cyberspace will resonate with someone and that, alone, makes the time it takes to write a post completely worthwhile.

There are days when I receive comments that completely argue the other side of the coin and that, too, makes the effort worth it because it always gives me another way of looking at a subject that perhaps I was viewing in too linear a way.  Those comments may help me to form an alternate opinion and see a point of view that I may have never considered.

my-opinion

(image courtesy of Google)

Sometimes the opinions I express quickly get the most profound reactions.  I could spend hours trying to piece together a meaningful post, one that comes from the depth of my writing soul, and it inspires nothing.  But a collection of sentences that I didn’t over-analyze and spend hours interrogating spurs discussion and controversy and keeps the comments flowing.

It’s difficult to know what will grab the attention of other people, but I can only write with the hope that my opinion matters.  And the most important person it should matter to is me.  I have to give myself permission to stand behind what I believe, whether the masses agree or they differ in that opinion.  Perhaps what urges me to continue in this quest is the love of a healthy debate – being able to hear arguments from both sides to come to a healthy consensus.

That is the true joy of expressing a thought.  Regardless of what thought it is, an opinion will undoubtedly weigh heavily on at least one person and make them think.  Maybe that one person will be me, and maybe it will be you, but whomever that person is, it was worth putting the words on the page.

What’s your opinion?

Those elusive birds

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The Daily Prompt today truly got me thinking….and on a Monday that is slightly painful.  The challenge today is this – Clichés become clichés for a reason. Tell us about the last time a bird in the hand was worth two in the bush for you.

bird in the hand

(image courtesy of Google)

This may be a reverse approach to this challenge, but this is where my brain took my words.

Truly appreciating what you have without looking at what better things may come along may be easier said than done.  There is always the outward pressure of ‘what if’ that will make us ponder the value of what we have now versus the value of what may lay beyond.

We take the risk of upsetting the balance in our lives, that sure thing, to forage the unknown.  And perhaps the excitement of the mysterious is part of the allure.  Perhaps the elusive birds in the bush hold the key to something we have not been able to realize with the bird in hand.

It’s lofty to dream, but as long as we don’t let greed cloud our vision, each of us will always have that feeling of wanderlust.  It’s how we choose to act on that feeling that is important, and so far, I have never let that voracity interrupt the path that I have chosen.

I’m sure the water is fine – Trifecta Challenge

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I’ve never been afraid of the water.  But perhaps after spending five years trying to calm the waves in my marriage I have been left with the slightest hesitation about diving back in.  Divorce can feel like a Tsunami, like the calm before the storm.  There is a sense of peace and strange tranquility and then the rush of emotion comes like a tidal wave engulfing everything in its path. And like the Tsunami, you know that wave is coming but it’s nearly impossible to get to a safe haven.

tsunami

(image courtesy of Google)

The dating pool, although seemingly non-threatening compared to the violent storm waves, beckons and standing on the edge of that pool is just as daunting as watching that tide surge forward.  The water may seem calm on the surface but the hidden dangers lie beneath that placid sheen and the potential for another storm gives me pause.  The slightest touch of the surface causes ripples and pushes me back from the edge of the pool.

I watch as the ripples dissipate.  The soft blue glow seems so inviting, but the dormant threat still lurks under the veil waiting to lure me closer to the edge, waiting to gently touch my skin and pull me under when I am blissfully unaware of the current below.  I can’t swim, not now.  Maybe sometime soon I will remember how wonderful it felt to float in that water, how comforting it was to be surrounded by its warmth and to feel buoyant.  Maybe soon, but not now.

I’m sure the water is fine, but I don’t think I’m ready yet to hold my breath and jump.  For now I’m content to sit on the edge of the pool and exhaust every argument in my head as to why I shouldn’t just take the plunge.

~

This was written for the Trifecta Challenge:
EXHAUST (transitive verb)
1a : to consume entirely : use up <exhausted our funds in a week>
b : to tire extremely or completely <exhausted by overwork>
c : to deprive of a valuable quality or constituent <exhaust a photographic developer>
2a : to draw off or let out completely
b : to empty by drawing off the contents; specifically : to create a vacuum in
3a : to consider or discuss (a subject) thoroughly or completely  

Please remember:
  • Your response must be between 33 and 333 words.
  • You must use the 3rd definition of the given word in your post.
  • The word itself needs to be included in your response.
  • You may not use a variation of the word; it needs to be exactly as stated above.
  • Only one entry per writer.
  • Trifecta is open to everyone.  Please join us.

Love Actually ~ Valentine edition

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There seems to be a common theme throughout the blogosphere surrounding the celebration of Valentine’s Day.  And until I re-read my thoughts and deleted the 500 +  words I had written on the subject of the commercialism of the day I would have written an entire post about the monetary veil that looms over this auspicious holiday.  But something changed.  The words I had composed left a bitter taste in my mouth and what I had written felt inappropriate in relation to the manifestation of my tumultuous emotions.

heart

(image courtesy of Google)

Don’t get me wrong…..I don’t hate Valentine’s Day. I, like so many of you, don’t believe in the hype of all the industry propagation that surrounds it.  Candy manufacturers and card makers jump at the chance to cover their windows with hearts and arrows to remind people to spend, spend, spend for their loved ones and money is discarded on items littered with hearts and oozing with sentiment written by the prolific writing staff at Hallmark.

In a moment of what can only be described as lucidity, I realized that there are many people walking the face of this planet who are unable to show their emotion as easily as I do.  There are many who do not feel as comfortable with the phrase ‘I love you’ and cannot utter it as often as they feel it is deserved and wanted.  In that moment, I understood that Valentine’s Day may be the one day that they can express their love through cards and flowers.  They are able to show the love they feel on a daily basis but are unable to articulate as often as they would like.  After years of being disgusted by the store displays enticing people to spend money, I got it.   Maybe the cards and candy hearts are the only way some can divulge their feelings without suffering the spontaneous embarrassment or discomfort of uttering those three words aloud.  Because I feel so comfortable sharing the emotion I have, it never dawned on me that others do not share that luxury and perhaps this day is their moment to shine.

Many people I know are far more fortunate and have displays of love bestowed on them quite frequently.  Ironically, Valentine’s Day is hijacked by those fortunate souls and held hostage with threats if they are not bathed in ornate displays of store-bought compensation.  They reside on a pedestal, but still hold their partner accountable for lavish gifts and dinner, negating the fact that they see more affection in a year than others are only privy to on a day that comes once a year.

I was watching Anderson Cooper last night and his co-host told a story that brought me to tears.  She read on the internet about a woman from Houston, TX who had been married for 46 years had always received a bouquet of flowers from her husband with a card that simply read “My love for you grows”.  Her husband passed  away and the following Valentine’s Day, the first one she would spend alone, she received a bouquet of flowers.  She was angry at first and called the florist to ask about the delivery and was told her husband had prepaid for that same bouquet to be delivered on Valentine’s Day for several years to come.  When she opened the card it read “My love for you is eternal”.  (yes, I’m crying)

Maybe I’m getting older, maybe I’m getting wiser or perhaps I had that moment where the lightbulb finally shone brighter than it ever has in regards to Valentine’s Day.  Whatever the case may be, these words from Henry David Thoreau ring true today ~ It’s not what you look at that matters, it’s what you see.

Happy Valentine’s Day to all of the people in my life.  Whether in person or in words, you all inspire me.