A short joke to brighten your day

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When I got married, I wanted the gift for our guests to be memorable…..so I made a cookbook.  I collected recipes and jokes from our friends and family and spent many hours in Microsoft Publisher putting together a creation that would be a lasting memory.

This is one of the jokes that was given to me.  I just found it again and it still makes me laugh!

ghandi

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time which produced an impressively thick callus on his feet.  He also ate very little which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.  This made him……wait for it…..

A super fragile callused mystic hexed by halitosis.

You’re welcome!

 

 

(Image courtesy of Google)

Stalking isn’t always a bad thing

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Let me preface this post by assuaging any negative connotations about the subject line.  I am not a dangerous person.  I do not hide in bushes and make a mental note of people’s habits and movements.  But when something strikes my fancy or my funny bone, I can be tenacious and become extremely enthusiastic.

I work at a large resort, and often people have difficulty finding time in their busy days to call us during business hours. Many messages are left and returned.  On the odd occasion, a game of phone tag ensues until we finally connect voice to voice.

I had the good fortune of returning messages on a particular day and it was serendipity at its finest.  When the recorded voice message first began, I thought that I had dialed the number in error.  But the further I got into the message, the funnier it became and I began to giggle.  By the end of the comedic rhetoric on the other end of the phone, I was in hysterics.  I phoned back immediately to listen to it again, and the message became even funnier.  My co-workers were concerned that I may be slightly losing my grip on reality, but when I called the number a third time and put the message on speaker phone, they were laughing just as hard as I was.

The crowd continued to swell in the office and in response to the demand to hear what was so funny, I kept calling back.  After the mayhem died down and I collected myself, I called another four or five times to write down, verbatim, what the message was so I could steal it.  I’m sure the poor gentleman that called for rates was marginally alarmed at how many times the resort had tried to return his call.  Although we were apparently desperate for his business, he surprisingly did not call back.

I have since modified the message to fit the time allotted on my cell phone.  I have thought of changing it to something a little more professional since the cell is my only phone, but what would be the fun in that?  Here is the gist of how the original message sounded.   I hope none of these apply to you….but since I have struck up some friendships with some of you, I now know they just might.

phone

 Hello, and welcome to the Mental Health Hotline.

  • If you are obsessive or compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
  • If you are co-dependant, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
  • If you have multiple personalities, please press 3,4,5 and 6
  • If you are paranoid, we already know who you are and what you want, but stay on the line while we trace your call.
  • If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
  • If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
  • If you have short-term memory loss, press 9, if you have short-term memory loss, press 9, if you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
  • If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the # key until a representative comes on the line.
  • If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone, date of birth, social security number and your mother’s maiden name.
  • If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down & cry. You won’t be crazy forever.
  • If you have a masochistic complex, please press “0” for the operator. There are 200 calls ahead of you.
  • If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you.

I had posted this earlier in my blogging journey, but after a series of repeated calls to my cell today with no message, I finally understood why and called back to explain the message.

Do you have any new ones you think I should add to the list?

comunikating fonetikly

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In this day and age of technology and digital communication, spell check is a wonderful tool.  It allows the author of written expression the ability to enhance the reader’s experience by communicating effectively and correctly.

Back in my college days, we weren’t as fortunate.  Leather bound copies of Webster’s Dictionary and Roger’s Thesaurus were never far from my reach.  I loved words and I wanted to be sure I expounded my visions in the purest possible form.  During those impressionable years, I attended school with many people who seemed to be as permeable to prose as I felt I was.

There were certainly exceptions to that rule, and my best friend Sandra had a college room-mate who was the poster child for the opposite end of that word spectrum. (you know who you are!!)  She spelled phonetically.  However it sounded to her, she seemed to create a new language to convey her message.

phonetic-alphabet

They were very caring room-mates and diligent to a fault about keeping the others aware of their whereabouts to alleviate worry.  They maintained a white-board on their refrigerator so they could communicate where they were and when they were expected to return.  While visiting the apartment one afternoon I happened upon this board and stared at it with growing wonder.  Although the symbols on the board resembled those of the alphabet I could not decipher the language in which the message had been composed.

Upon realizing that I had not left the kitchen, Sandra returned to find me still engaged in a staring contest with the white board.  As many times as I listed my head from side to side I still could not digest the meaning of the strange epistle on the fridge.   It wasn’t until Sandra took me word by word through the note, sounding out every syllable, that I finally understood the concept of phonetic spelling.  After that the intent of the scribble became crystal clear.

The “fonetik spelr” and I are still close friends to this day.  I find it amusingly ironic that she studied Sign Language in school!!  I am happy to report that she has mastered much more of the English language – no longer will we wury bicuz she tuk her baik to wurk and waz caat in trafik – clooz the buuk on this peij, no morr keiass.

Slaying the dragon

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Even if it is broken, it can’t always be fixed ~SN.

My mother always used to tell me that I like to find the ‘broken ducks’ and fix them…..and it’s true.   I seem to be magnetically drawn to people who I think I can “save” in some way, even though they may not be looking for salvation.  If I look at it honestly, with no rose-colored glasses, my childhood perpetuated this need to create a sane world in a universe of quiet insanity.  On the outside our life was perfect, but on the inside there were things that created the person I am today and ingrained the need to make life as perfect on the inside as it seemed on the outside.  But I chose to focus on others rather than focusing  on myself.  I felt the need to create a picture by painting by the numbers that belonged to other people instead of the numbers on my blank canvas.  I grew up as a child of two alcoholic parents and the need to fix my parents spun into a life of restoring a sense of normalcy in every life but my own.

No matter the size of sword you carry, sometimes the dragon is bigger than you anticipated and it cannot be conquered by steel alone.  Although I spent many years of my youth trying to slay that beast, it had far more power than I anticipated and my life became a battle far greater than a teenaged girl was prepared to face.  The need to vanquish that dragon spilled into my marriage and the cycle of alcoholism and redemption breathed new life.  The dragon was alive and well with a different face and a new attitude, but it was the same dragon I had been battling for years.

slaying the dragon

(Photo courtesy of Google)

Perhaps it was the wisdom that came with age, or perhaps the sword I had been wielding had gained strength over the years, but the dragon I was faced with in the days of being married didn’t seem to possess as much strength as the dragon of my youth and I was able to overcome its fiery existence and reclaim the life I was meant to have.  Maybe that dragon still lingers, awaiting its chance for revenge, but I have finally drawn the line.  My stance is rigid and I am ready for that battle.

If there is anything this blogging journey has taught me, it is to be honest.  Not only honest in my life, but honest in my writing as well.  And whether that honesty presents itself in traits of a character or a mere extension of myself in this forum, it is freeing.  I have shared parts of myself I never thought I would divulge and it has liberated a piece of myself long since buried.  I have fixed myself by escaping the confines of my past and breaking down the walls that caged my future and instead have trapped the dragon in that cage.

I don’t know if I’m writing this to remind myself of the strength that I need to hold close to my heart or if I am writing this to finally free the dragon that I may never slay.  Regardless, tears slowly slide down my cheek as I free this last bit of anguish and look ahead to what will be.  I cannot change the past, but I can certainly shape my future by letting that dragon rest as I move on to a new castle that is free of that beast.

My life is a blank canvas.  It awaits a new story board and a tale that is yet to be written.  And maybe the canvas is slightly damaged, but I will embrace those impurities because the vision of the artist still holds the potential for a beautiful new masterpiece that is waiting to be created.

Photo Challenge – Islands

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A Word in Your Ear picks some great words for a weekly photo challenge.  This week the word is “islands”.  Here are some pictures from my first, and probably only, cruise.

Cruise 2010 - after St. Thomas into St. Maarten 049

Cruise 2010 - after St. Thomas into St. Maarten 067

Cruise 2010 - after St. Thomas into St. Maarten 405

Cruise 2010 - after St. Thomas into St. Maarten 011

The cruise left Fort Lauderdale and sailed to Puerto Rico, St. Thomas and St. Maarten.  While the scenery was breathtaking, the three weeks following on land still feeling like I was on the ship was a slight deterrent for cruising again.  Next time, I fly, I land, I enjoy….and I don’t have to take sea sickness pills on dry land.

Doctors with Borders

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This post was one of my earlier rants on another blog, but was brought to the forefront of my brain by a fellow blogger.

medical-symbol

Before I get into the meat of this subject, I must address a couple of things.  Number one – this post is in no way pointing the finger at all members of the medical profession, by any means.  Number two – does it bother anyone else that this lofty vocation is referred to as “the practice of medicine”?  After countless nights and days in school and residency, surviving on no sleep and horrible vending machine coffee, should you not be proficient at what you’re doing by now?  Why are you still practising?  And number three – last April my mom’s GP told us to prepare ourselves for the death of my mother which she estimated would be two weeks following our discussion.  It is almost a year later and my mom is alive and well, still living in her home on her own and caring for 8 pets.

It is inevitable that each of us, at one point in our lives, will interact with a doctor. It is also undeniable that during that visit to the Oracle that is “practising” medicine, we will be subjected to a fairly lengthy wait period before we enter the inner sanctum of the office to discuss our concerns regarding our bodily functions.

After the obligatory check in at reception, we are forced to spend an elongated period of time inhaling the infinite number of germs swarming the cramped air space in the waiting room.  Casually we glance at our watches as the seconds turn into minutes and the minutes continue to race past our scheduled appointment time.   I understand that a doctor receives compensation for each patient seen on a daily basis, but somewhere along the way a few in the selected field of saving lives have forgotten that Hippocratic Oath that they vowed to uphold.  One of the lines from that oath is this “I will remember that there is art to medicine as well as science, and that warmth, sympathy, and understanding may outweigh the surgeon’s knife or the chemist’s drug.”

I fear that somewhere along the path, some practitioners of this art have lost that sense of warmth and sympathy and have replaced them with a pen and prescription pad.  My co-worker had scheduled an appointment with her physician.  She does not attend the office on a regular basis to leave room for those more in need of medical care.  She had begun asking a series of questions that she had prepared and before getting the answers she so rightly deserved she was told by her own doctor that there would be no more answers.  Her time was up.  Her time was up?  Was she on Jeopardy?  And when did the clock actually start?  I would hazard a guess that it began at her scheduled appointment time that had been casually overlooked.

Somewhere in the cyclical process of patients revolving in and out of the doctor’s door,  a wedge has been driven between the care provider and those in need of care.  A doctor is, by definition, a healer.  Whether that healing requires physical care, psychological care or simply an understanding ear, the healing starts in those medical chambers.

With their depth of study and knowledge, it is customary that we take our doctor’s opinion at face value and trust that they have used every weapon in their arsenal to determine the cause of our illness and the best possible treatment available to extend our perpetuity.  As much as we should put our faith in their doctrine, we have to be the advocate for our own health and seek a second opinion, because sometimes that five minutes of examination and diagnosis may not be enough to truly gauge the underlying reason for our concern.

In my growing number of years on this earth, I have encountered many doctor’s offices and a great many trips to a hospital, not all related directly to me and my personal health and well-being, but experiences that have given me ample opportunity to form an opinion.  Occasionally I feel like these experts in the medical field have put up their borders long before we attempted to enter their inner sanctum and the time required to get a proper diagnosis is cut short.

Have you experienced anything like this, or am I out in left field?

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

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Daily Prompt today is this – You need to make a major change in your life. Do you make it all at once, cold turkey style, or incrementally? 

I have had a great deal of change in the last two years of my life.  Because those changes deeply affected my life, they had to be well planned and contain a great deal of thought.

The first was the journey to lose weight.  I didn’t want a quick-fix fad diet that would guarantee losing 10 pounds in 3 days, I wanted a lifestyle change and I wanted to be healthy.  With a great deal of effort, I shifted my focus from ‘living to eat’ to ‘eating to live’ and it was worth doing it incrementally.  I lost 50 pounds and have kept it off.  Had I done the quick fix diet, I’m certain I not only would have gained the weight back, but increased my weight by a few more pounds.

The second major change was my divorce.  I had slowly become a person I was never meant to be.  I was drowning in a sea of bitterness and anger and those waves threatened to take any air that possibly remained in my lungs.  The decision to end my marriage was a monumental change in my existence, and after many failed attempts at fixing that relationship, I had to admit that it was beyond repair.  I left the broken pieces behind and slowly began rebuilding my life and rediscovering the happy person I once was.

Both of those changes deserved the time spent to follow through appropriately and go through the proper stages.  I may have over-thought both of them for a while, but in the end, I am where I need to be.

Forever – A Romantic Monday Post

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She sat with her knees drawn to her chest watching the setting sun reflecting on the water.    As day gave way to dusk, the horizon hungrily devoured the sun leaving behind a mélange of blood-red and fire-orange dripping onto the waves.    His arms were wrapped around her and she could hear his breathing, rhythmic and calming  as he lowered his chin to her shoulder.  The waves eagerly lapped at the rocky shoreline, undulating their anchored kayaks with each ripple.

Sunset

She let her head fall back onto him and inhaled deeply, savoring the pungent aroma of the smoke from the fire and letting it permeate her nostrils.  He kissed her shoulder and got up from behind her.  The moon had snuck up on the treeline and had begun to immerse itself in the night sky.  The rock was illuminated by its brilliance and she turned to see where he had gone.  He stood stoking the fire and she watched the sparks as they circled his body.  She rolled onto her stomach, gazed at his face in the fire light and thought about how he enriched her life.  She couldn’t imagine being without him and if time stood still, this would be the moment she would choose to freeze.

He laid down beside her and she curled into him.  The wind tickled them as it playfully seduced their skin. The sounds of the night had returned to serenade them and the damp smell of the campfire continued to saturate the air.  She could hear the waves teasing the shoreline,  the amplified song of the frogs rippling in on the breeze and their boats harmoniously lapping at the water.   She lifted her head and found him staring up at the night sky.  Following his gaze, she become aware of the stars that had appeared in clusters and were dancing among the surging patches of Northern Lights.   They lay in each other’s embrace, lulled by the sounds of nature and gently soothed by the luminescence of the sky.  As the waning glow of the fire cast small shadows around them he reached behind him, pulling a blanket to cover them and she nestled deeper into his arms.

The moon continued its voyage through the sea of Northern Lights and they lay in silence, cloaked in each other’s embrace.   She felt his lips on her forehead just as he slid the ring onto her finger.  No words needed to be spoken.  She lifted her head from his chest and he watched the single tear trace the curve of her cheek.  She would be his forever.

Another post inspired by Edward Hotspur’s Romantic Monday.

Superbowl Sunday

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superbowl

It’s here!!  It’s finally here!!  The culmination of a great season of football and some hard-fought battles with the pigskin brings us to the moment that the Vince Lombardi trophy will be awarded.  My efforts as “The Commish”  in a 17-week long football pool and playoff pool also come to an end at the pinnacle of the football season.

Superbowl Sunday is one of my most cherished days of the year, and also one of my least favorite days.  Although I plan my menu, don my football jersey and patiently wait for the final picks from the pool members, I instinctively feel sad because in a few short hours after kick-off it will all come to an abrupt end.  For a brief moment, my football cup goes from half-full to half-empty but then the roar of the crowd brings me back to life and I’m ready to watch the battle that is about to ensue.

This year’s rivalry between Baltimore and San Francisco should be particularly exciting – the Harbaugh bowl.  The pure, raw desire for each of these teams to reign supreme is evident on the field, but this year the competition has set brother vs brother on the coaching sideline.  The deeply etched scars of the carnage on the field are proudly worn as badges of honor, but on opposite sidelines family honor is also up for grabs.

Superbowl Sunday has become one of the most anticipated sporting events.  Last year, the game was rated the most watched television event ever, drawing over 111 million viewers. Even if you are not a dedicated football fan through the regular season, there is something so enticing about the spirit of Superbowl Sunday.  Friends gather, tailgate worthy snacks, pots of chili, ribs and BBQ meals are prepared and served amidst screams of joy and derogatory comments towards the referees.  A broad spectrum of emotion fills the room and the anticipation of the final minutes of the game is excruciating. And if your living room is anything like mine, there are a few well placed F-bombs!!

When the game is done, the trophy is presented and the celebration is carried on beyond the cameras, there should be a rehabilitation program for those going through football withdrawal.  I admittedly feel a sense of loss and wander aimlessly on the Sunday following Superbowl, trying to overcome that loss.  The sudden deviation to absolutely no football requires an intense effort to fill those weekend hours and I am forced to find sufficient entertainment to fill that void.  Thank God for blogging!

But for now, I will focus on Superbowl XLVII – the throw down between the Ravens and the 49ers.  It’s gonna be loud, it’s gonna be rough and it’s gonna be the Niners 34 and the Ravens 27.  Happy Superbowl Sunday!!