Coming back to myself

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I have not been myself lately, Aside from still battling the lingering effects of the cold I have had for the last nine days, my energy has felt foreign to me. I am usually a very cheerful person but I have not had that effervescent feeling for a while and I don’t know why.

Sure, we are seven weeks through the nine crazy weeks of summer at the lodge and those weeks lead to physical and emotional exhaustion, but this is different. This feels like something has shifted and I can’t quite explain it to myself, let alone describe it to you. Whatever this funk is, it has even caused me to shy away from writing and that is not normal.

Thankfully, today is my day off. When I feel out of sorts, the first thing on my list of things to do is organize my house. I purged my closet of the clothing I have not worn in the last six months and that helped me feel like I had gained some control of the chaos in my mind. As much as that helped to start the process, the best place I can go to feel grounded and to get some of myself back is my kitchen. I reorganized my fridge, made my salads in a jar for lunches this week and I have ribs cooking slowly in my crockpot for dinner. Just the familiar smell of those ribs is bringing me back to a feeling of contentment. My disconnection is slowly being reconnected the more I focus on the things that are important to me and forget the stress that lingers outside of my four walls. I would be doing myself a disservice if I continued to wallow in whatever this low tide is that has been trying to drag me down.

These words may not be the exact phrases I would normally choose, but I’m writing and that is the last piece of the puzzle to get me out of this feeling of despondency and bring me back to myself, one word at a time.

Where did I go?

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Perhaps it is the late arrival of Spring weather and the snow still blanketing my lawn.  Or perhaps it’s the amount of work I have piled on my desk that seems to keep accumulating.  Regardless of the reason, I don’t feel like myself.  I don’t feel any impending sense of doom, I just feel like I’m suffocating, drowning in the things that are going on around me and I can’t seem to come up for air.

It’s a disturbing feeling for me.  I’ve always been the one to hit things head on and face each challenge as it comes.  I’ve never wallowed in self-doubt or self-pity, but these last few weeks have painted an Picasso-like portrait of a person quite different from the paint-by-numbers picture I’ve seen in the mirror all my life.  Each day I would fill in the missing colors and paint the spots with the hue that best represents my mood.   Generally the colors were bright and cheerful.

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I thought I was back on the path to being myself again on Sunday after sitting on my deck and soaking up some sun for an hour.  As I lazily looked up into the afternoon sky, the ring around the sun seemed to reflect my feeling of something lurking out there, waiting to descend.  The old saying goes “ring around the sun or moon, means snow or rain are coming soon”.  One quick look at the weather forecast confirms possible accumulation of 2 cm of snow on my birthday.

I am hoping the anticipated appearance of Spring will happen soon.  Once the aroma of freshly awakened earth and the sound of spring birds start to permeate the air, I am confident that my mood will sing and soar with those birds.

If anyone has any nice spring weather you can spare – I’d be happy to send you my address.  🙂