Finding the courage to find myself


This is really a post for myself, perhaps to hold myself accountable for all the things I wish I had been doing differently lately but have not been doing.  It is a kick in my ass, a wake-up call, a reminder that I shouldn’t feel guilty about putting myself first.

I have been feeling lost lately.  It could easily be the November blahs, the thought of our first Christmas without my mom or the fact that I have been ignoring my health and putting on the pounds that I worked so hard to lose.  Whatever the reason, I am not myself.

Up until now, I have spent a great deal of my life trying to “fix” other people – it’s just the way I am, the way I survived my youth and part of my failed marriage.  But it’s time for me to realize that I am the one who is broken.  It’s time for me to learn from my past and realize the only person I can fix is myself because I don’t like this feeling of being broken.

The nagging feeling in the back of my mind is not depression but the lethargy I am feeling is a warning sign.  I need to start participating in my life.  I need to sum up all of those lessons I learned from my past and use them to forge ahead into my future, a future where I am the driver and not the passenger.  A future where I make my own map and am not tagging along on someone else’s journey.

dear past

With a little bit of effort on my part, I can harness that energy that is lying dormant and forge boldly into my future.  The slate is blank and I can make of it whatever I want it to be.

Dear Future, I AM ready.

19 thoughts on “Finding the courage to find myself

  1. I can relate. I wouldn’t say you are broken and need fixing though. Just move forward from where you are at (and recognize that it’s ok to be where you are at for as long as you need to be).

  2. I think your beautiful inside and out. Well written blog, seems you know where you want to be and how to get there. I’ll be keeping you close in thought and will be following your journey. xo

  3. Any loss is overwhelming, and losing our mothers is among the most painful losses we have. I would highly recommend visiting with your doctor, though, too – my doctor was a huge help to me. Sometimes we need a professional’s opinion to help us with good health.
    The holidays are difficult times for sure – particularly the first. I will be thinking of you this year and sending warmest wishes.

  4. Good for you for prioritizing you!

    Now please forgive me, but the regimented OCD person in me has to ask: Do you have a plan to move forward? What, specifically are you going to do for you? How often are you gonna do it? Are you willing to tell others to scram if they unwittingly interfere with this plan?

    Good luck with everything, my friend!

  5. I think fixing others serves as a distraction from what needs attention in ourselves. It’s harder to work within, but I’m glad you’re making a plan to care for yourself. Hope you are in a better state soon 🙂

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