The dagger hung from my eaves and I knew I would escape tonight. He would not be able to stop me. I plunged the icicle into his heart with every ounce of desired freedom. It will melt long before they find him.
The dagger hung from my eaves and I knew I would escape tonight. He would not be able to stop me. I plunged the icicle into his heart with every ounce of desired freedom. It will melt long before they find him.
Beginning a new year is difficult. There is a tremendous amount of pressure to join the mainstream of people who have made numerous resolutions for the impending 362 days, considering the leap year. And if it were not bad enough to be compelled by friends and family to make a list of the things we would like to accomplish, the media shoves the most popular of those resolutions down our throat with each television commercial they can fit into an amiable time slot.
The start of a new calendar year should give us hope but those writers, those advertising gurus that tax their brains to come up with stunning ads, somehow make us feel like the earnest promises we make for ourselves are slightly off the mark.
I was feeling excited. I was entering 2016 on my terms and, although I had not made them public, I had made a small set of goals I would like to accomplish this year. I wanted to embrace my skills and I was looking forward to a year filled with prose and literary triumph. And then I made the mistake of turning on my television.
Thankfully I have the fortitude to block out the nonsense that is broadcast to us, in what they think is a subliminal missive. If I heed the message in those commercials, I would look at my humble goals and feel nothing but fat, undervalued and, as Bridget Jones’ Diary would describe it, like a spinster who would eventually end up being eaten by wild dogs.
The rubbish I receive by email can be just as bad. Countless emails for weight loss, dating sites and plausible scenarios to make me my best self accumulate in my junk box. Those messages are ignored just as quickly as they were downloaded.
I find great value in myself as well as my sincere goals for the new year. Screw the advertising monsters who want to make me feel less than I am. My worth cannot be described in a commercial. My life cannot be depicted by a summation of what presumed reality sees as my shortcomings.
I am me. I have worth because I care about people and I respect myself. I treasure my strengths, I acknowledge my weaknesses and I spend each day trying to have a positive effect on those around me.
Now, if they can write a commercial for something like that, maybe next time I’ll leave the television on.
This short story was written for a collection called F*&$ed Up Fairy Tales. I thought I would post it here to get my creative juices flowing and get back into the twisted spirit needed to get working on my novel.
~~
The sputtering neon sign cut through the malignant darkness, blinking as the electric current passed through the wires. It simply read ‘vacancy’. He knew wayward travellers would soon appear at the only motel for miles and he had meticulously prepared for the arrival of stragglers lost on the unforgiving stretch of highway. Each room had been cleaned by him and the deodorizer had been applied liberally to extinguish any remaining scent of decomposition. He surveyed each room, his eyes focusing on anything that may have seemed out of place, and closed the door leaving the room ready for the next guest. He sat in the tiny office waiting for the first sign of headlights he knew would be coming. He sensed that she was near.
The storm winds had escalated and the rain began to pelt down on the tin roof of the motel. The staccato beat of water on metal soothed him. He closed his eyes and let the sound bathe him in its rhythm. She was closer. His eyelids fluttered opened to see the high beams of the oncoming car slash through the darkness and his pulse quickened. He could almost hear her heartbeat racing as she maneuvered the car through the puddles.
The flashing pink sign looked like a strobe light as the wipers furiously tried to keep up with the rain on her windshield. Her grip was tight on the steering wheel and she could hear her mother’s voice in her head calling it a ‘white-knuckle’ drive. The vacancy sign grew brighter as her car made the turn into the motel parking lot. She was almost positive she hadn’t been followed but parked the car at the back of the motel just to be certain it wasn’t spotted during the night.
She collected the small travel bag from the passenger seat and reached into the glove compartment for the Glock, tucking it into the side of the bag and concealing it from plain sight. Exhausted from the drive, she headed to the motel office and hoped for a short reprieve from having to constantly look over her shoulder. This motel, in the middle of nowhere, may be the one place she could silence the voices in her head and shut out her warped reality, if only for a few hours.
She pushed the door open and immediately noticed the odours. The deodorizer hit her senses first but her keen sense of smell detected the pungent scent of death lying in wait underneath the lilac spray. This essence was no stranger to her and she continued forward to ring the bell on the unattended desk. Her hand absently moved to the side of her travel bag and traced the outline of the pistol.
He came out of the back office and greeted her with a warm smile, welcoming her to the motel. The menial task of signing her false name was done and he moved around the desk to show her to the room. Her hand never left the side of her bag as she followed him along the concrete walkway. His gait was confident and his silence was comforting. They exchanged no words as he handed her the key to the room that was meant only for her. She opened the door to the room and felt his stare burning into her back. As she closed the door and turned the deadbolt, she knew he was still standing a foot from her door. She could hear his breathing and rather than feeling unnerved, she felt connected. Nothing about this quiet man made her feel uneasy and that was the feeling that scared her the most.
She poured a Scotch and stripped out of her rain-soaked clothes. The acrid stench of decomposition was evident in her room as well but the smell dissipated slightly with a few more sips of whiskey. She cranked the water in the shower and listened as the pipes vehemently argued with having to work. The hot beads of water from the shower stung her skin but she welcomed the pain.
Skin flushed red from the hot water and cheeks blazing from a half bottle of whiskey, she teetered across the floor and poured herself into bed. The duvet felt like silk against her bare skin and the pillow was perfectly plump but, as much as she tried to fall into a deep sleep, she could not find a comfortable position on the bed. She tossed and turned and what she hoped would be a fitful rest was a combination of half hour naps. She awoke in the morning, achy and wearied.
Determined to find the cause of her lack of sleep she tore the duvet from the bed, letting her hand roam the top of the mattress to detect any imperfections. Nothing was out of the ordinary. She grasped the handles on the side of the mattress and lifted it from the box spring. The orb was not as round as it should have been but that was from the pressure of the mattress. The noticeably cloudy film and dilated pupil stared into nothingness as the human eyeball lay lifeless in front of her.
She moved across the room and took a long swill of the single malt Scotch directly from the bottle. The murky eyeball seemed to follow her as she crossed the room again to get dressed. Whiskey was not her first choice for breakfast but, given the circumstance, she didn’t care. She packed her bag, tucked the Glock into the back of her jeans and collected the human remains that thwarted her slumber.
He was in the office when she arrived, coffee in hand and wearing the same warming smile he had worn the previous evening. She was not surprised that his first question was to inquire as to how she slept. She gently placed the slightly misshapen ocular sphere on the desk and simply tilted her head, lifted her eyebrows and waited for his reaction. His smile never wavered.
He spoke first, “It’s almost perfect, isn’t it?”
His words hung in the air as he eagerly anticipated her response. The ticking of the incessant second-hand on the clock seemed to echo in the tiny room and his brain felt like it would explode.
Her response was succinct, “Show me more.”
He knew it would be her. From the moment the winds changed and the rain foreshadowed the previous night, he knew it would be her. The Prince of Darkness had finally found his Princess.
Self-doubt is a debilitating phenomenon. Most of us have experienced some form of self-doubt throughout our lives and the worst time for me was during my formidable years in high school. For those lucky enough to have had a firm belief in who they were during those years, my hat goes off to you. I was not one of those lucky people.
I spent many years trying to fly under the radar and just fit in. The image I presented was varied depending on the group of people with whom I was sharing those hallowed hallways. If I were completely honest about my years in secondary school, I would say that the vast majority of those precious moments was spent trying to be something that I didn’t feel I honestly represented.
But now, if I really think back, I can’t help but wonder – what if, in reality, I was actually being something that I truly was? Perhaps I doubted myself so much that I was unable to enjoy the different facets of my personality. Each of us has a gift, maybe several if we’re lucky, but each of us also has to realize that sometimes we have to be our own cheerleader, our own geek, our own jock and our own stoner.
I finally gave myself permission to be proud of the person I have become. I embrace the many parts of myself and the talents that I have. No longer am I looking for that gratification from anyone other than myself. Those years of self-doubt have since been stored in a box of memories and have been replaced by the belief that my opinion of myself matters the most and I can give myself permission to be every part of who I am.
Doubt kills more dreams than failure ever will. I don’t know who coined that phrase but I’d like to buy them a drink!
The title of this post conjures up several images. Some of those images are quite flattering and sexy and others are the images that I wish I could wipe from my memory. Spoiler alert – this post has nothing to do with anything remotely related to nudity, apart from the flagrant display of flashing in the image below. (sorry)
When we are authentically naked, when we truly bare ourselves, we are baring our souls, not our bodies. We let others into our hearts, our minds and our dreams. All of the hypocrisy is stripped away and we are left naked with no false fronts to hide behind. We bare ourselves here on our blog sites, with our words, and we run naked through the blogosphere. We put more honesty and integrity into our words because, here, we feel comfortable in our skin. Here, we feel like we are representing our true selves. Here, we feel a kinship with like-minds and we feel a comfort level that truly allows us to just be who we are, stripped of any preconceived notions.
Our thoughts and prose give us permission to expose ourselves. The only shroud we hide behind is the blanket of our truth and our musings. We leave the most important part of ourselves open for all to read and, in that part, we find the inner strength to continue our journey. Our inhibitions are no longer stifling us from exposing our innermost thoughts and feelings. We feel accepted in our natural state.
We do ourselves a grave injustice and we add nothing to this world if we cloak ourselves in any cloth that hides who we truly are. To be completely ourselves, to be truly naked, we need to trust in the path we follow. We need to believe that the people who are near and dear to us know the true essence of what we represent, and we need to feel that the people meeting us here for the first time understand the inner workings of our brains.
Be honest in your writing, let it reflect who you are, and don’t deny your readers the opportunity to see you as you truly want to be seen. Let them into your mind. Let them see you naked.
With all of the negativity that has been thrown haphazardly around the myriad of social media, the timing of our 3rd Annual Toy Drive at the lodge couldn’t have come at a better time for me.
For anyone who has ever done anything nice for someone, you know what an astounding feeling of satisfaction you get knowing that you made a difference or at least made someone smile. Random acts of kindness, whether large or small, create a ripple effect that we need to send back into this world.
I’ve written before about “paying it forward”. It is a concept I truly believe in and one this Earth could really use right now. You may think that buying someone in the line behind you at the drive-thru a simple cup of coffee may seem like nothing, but that person may turn around and donate $50.00 to a charity that may help a family have a real turkey dinner at Christmas. For each kind wave sent into this world, the ripple of that kindness swells into bigger rings on the pond of our life.
I took our first few monetary donations into a local shop and bought the first toys for our Toy Drive today. It made me feel happy and it made me feel hopeful. That spirit of giving still exists within each one of us. Whether it is a donation for a charity or merely a kind word to someone who could use a smile, kindness begets kindness.
It is easy to lose sight of the simple niceties with all the fear and anger being broadcast on every news station around the world. It is understandable that our anxiety and apprehension are clouding our vision and not allowing us to remember the kindness we have been raised to feel and to share. I am thankful that I have been made aware that tolerance and humanity still exist and I am extremely grateful that I continue to comfortably tread water in the sea of optimism.
I am reminded of the line from ‘It’s A Wonderful Life” ~ every time a bell rings, an Angel gets its wings. Perhaps we can bring that thought process down from such an ethereal level and just hope that every time a kind act is performed, a small piece of hatred dies.
For the greater part of my life I have lived in a small town. I branched out into the bustling metropolis for a few years to attend college but the pull of our tight-knit community was too strong to ignore and I came home. Much to the chagrin of my city dwelling friends, I have never regretted that decision.
There is something comforting about seeing the same people on a day-to-day basis. It may feel a little too close for comfort at times when they know more about your life than you do but it has become the safety blanket of my existence. The community that began as a collection of strangers rapidly transformed into an extended family and I take solace in the fact that I could knock on any door and receive the same warm welcome from any one of them.
The milk of human kindness flows more freely in a small town – at least that has been my experience. And in the summer of 2013 that lesson was inked into my skin in colors more vivid than any tattoo. My mother had a slight episode while on her scooter as she was making her way home from her shopping excursion. Her dog had broken free from her collar and, in the chaos that ensued, my mother had toppled from her scooter and lay on her back on the pavement. As fate would have it I was driving through town just as the mishap occurred and I was able to pull over and help.
In the time it took for me to pull over, a handful of people were already either assisting my mother or madly looking for the frenzied dog that was dodging parked cars and moving vehicles. It was controlled chaos but in the end my mom was fine and the dog was recovered without incident.
There is an overwhelmingly consolatory feeling knowing that if I had not been there my mother would have been just as vigilantly attended to and things would have still ended well. Knowing that the milk of human kindness flows freely through the veins of my community makes me glad that I made the decision to carve my life into the growing trunk of the tree in this rural atmosphere.
There may be moments of my life that I will look back on with regret but choosing to live my life in this town and the community of people I share it with is not one of them.
My only wish, especially now, is that the kindness we experience here could be broadcast on a much grander level. Whatever happens in this world, we must not let the anger and hatred of the few be able to quell the kindness that resides in the many. Fight hate with love and keep your hearts open. The more we hate, the more they win.
Bring the past, only if you’re going to build from it. ~ Domineco Estrada
~~
I am a big fan of Criminal Minds. It is one of the only shows I watch with any consistency. It is an hour of television that does not make me want to change the channel and most episodes begin or end with an inspiring quote to preface or summarize the plot. The above quote, from the show, gave me the kick I needed to get out of the rut I’ve been in lately.
I have not intentionally been dwelling in the past but snippets of my days-gone-by have been playing in my mind like frames from the old reel-to-reel movies. They have maneuvered their way out of my subconscious and wormed their way deep into the recesses of my brain. Fragments of those memories unexpectedly bubble to the surface and simmer long enough to permeate my continual thought process.
I am not ashamed of anything I have done in my past. Those recollections have not been reintroduced to make me feel regret about any choices I have made. They have merely reappeared to remind me of the lessons I have learned and to help me appreciate the wisdom I carry beneath my battle scars. And though these trips down memory lane have been taken unwittingly, they have served to remind me of where I have been and where I prefer to never go again.
I have chosen not to bury my past but to use it as the foundation for the life I continue to build. Those blocks of my lapsed memories serve as a strong support structure. They ensure that my present and my future are ready to withstand any storm that comes my way by giving me a solid structure to lean on in times of doubt. Those hidden gems of guidance will always serve as the backbone of my existence and the building blocks to my future.