Category Archives: self improved

What we’ve got here is failure to communicate

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Cool Hand Luke – so cool, and so right.  Good communication is the cornerstone to any relationship.  Whether it be a work situation or an intimate kinship, the ability to be able to convey an idea through honest and open dialogue is the key to any successful alliance.

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(image credit: 123rf.com)

Most human beings like to avoid conflict as much as possible.  The thought of an open discussion, face to face, with the person you need to deal with is unbearable.  We tend to alleviate the anxiety of that topic by discussing it with a multitude of other people rather than facing the dragon head on.  But we fail to realize we are only delaying the inevitable and that myriad of other people we share our dilemma with will only add fuel to the original fire, giving it the potential to burn uncontrollably.

Life could be so much less complicated if we always had the nerve to face our problems head on and communicate our issues with the person that is at the root of our predicament.  I have been guilty of avoiding confrontation myself but the end result was always exponentially worse because I was not dealing with the quandary first hand and I let outside influences sway my judgement.

I have made a much more conscious effort to communicate my thoughts and deal directly with situations before they spiral out of control.  Sure, summoning the courage to take the first step is difficult but ultimately clearing the air at the very beginning of the conflict will allow you to breathe easier in the long run.  The conflict can be easily resolved if it’s not allowed to take on a life of its own and the weight of the problem that sits on your shoulders is assuaged.

I am slowly building the courage to face my demons directly and not allow other voices to be my own.  Only I can have the most honest discussion about the issue that I am faced with and I am learning to have faith in my ability to communicate.  One honest voice is louder than a crowd.

What do you do when faced with a situation that requires confrontation?

Choose your words wisely

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There is a myriad of words in the English language to choose from that will accurately portray feelings.  We must go gently into that good thesaurus to succinctly define our emotions.  Words can embody beauty and timelessness, but words can also be weapons.  Words can sting and they can leave scars if not used properly.

The word “hate” is a word I try to use as little as possible.  There are very few things in this world I can honestly say I hate.  There are many things I dislike, even dislike intensely, but hate is such an absolute word and it delivers a large impact for such a small word.  If I am vehemently against something, I will do my utmost to modify my language before I allow that powerful four letter word to escape my lips.  The word hate, to me, is like nails on a chalkboard.

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(photo credit – creativeclass.com)

Feeling an extreme aversion to something is a normal human experience.  I have an immense distaste for liver and onions, but I have found many other ways to discuss my negative feelings about the memories of those dinners served long ago rather than use the word hate.

I hear the word hate tossed around so casually and wonder if the people using that figure of speech understand how harsh a word it truly is.   I’m sure if I looked through a magic crystal ball, I would see myself in public school using the word hate several times, not truly comprehending the consequence of using such a powerful expression.  Hate conjures feelings of bitterness and rage in the person using it and elicits sadness and depression in the person receiving it.

Hate is like a virus that slowly spreads through us and pollutes our emotions.  I have the misfortune of feeling that hatred for one person that has affected my life, or more so the life of my brother.  It was twenty-two years ago and that horrible emotion still bubbles to the surface when I think of her.  That one person made me realize the overwhelming feeling associated with that tiny word and she is the only person that embodies the emotion associated with the intense dislike it defines.

Words can be beautiful, but words can also be ammunition.  If misused, those words can cause a great deal of pain and affect people long after those idioms have been uttered.  Each of us has the power to keep our weapon of language holstered – choose your words wisely.

Setting aside the time

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Finding time to set aside precious hours, or even minutes, for those things we truly love to do seems to be more difficult as we get older.  Responsibilities pressure us into doing the right thing and prioritizing family, work and chores leaving little time to do the things we yearn to do.  Hobby items collect dust and ideas for great stories become trapped in the vault of our mind waiting for that large iron door to swing open and let the ideas tumble into the forefront of our thoughts.

vault

(image courtesy of Google)

I am learning to make more time for myself.  In the winter months it is much easier to make that time since I work the normal Monday to Friday hours that an office job dictates.  However, when the resort opens for the season, I am back to six days a week and generally my work days start at 7:00 am and ends at 6:00 pm, if I’m lucky.  The summer affords me one day off a week which is spent catching up on the aforementioned priorities, leaving little time for recreation or writing.  I am an avid golfer and at the end of last summer had not even played one full round of golf.  My gazebo waved at me from my front lawn as I passed it on my way to work and simply sighed as I dragged my weary body into the house on my way back from work.

This summer will be different.  Life is far to short to spend all of my time making someone else happy and forgetting about my own happiness.  Changing patterns and routines is difficult, but I have already begun the process to alter my patterns.  With the help and advice of friends I am slowly learning to make myself my first priority.  My alarm encourages me to rise an hour earlier than normal and my laptop is eagerly awaiting the gentle touch of my fingers on its keyboard.  My golf bag smiles knowingly at me every time I pass it on my way to work, somehow sensing that this golf season will be the pendulum swing our relationship needs to get back on track.  And my gazebo seems more inviting than ever.

I have finally come to realize that the change can only begin with me.  If I don’t make time to do the things I love to do, nobody else is going to make that time for me.  I am going to print this post and put it on the wall in my office to remind me that life is not all about work.  Although I enjoy my job, work is a means to an income.  Nothing will ever be as satisfying as writing a paragraph rich in imagery or hitting that perfect drive down the middle of the fairway.

Do you make a point to set aside time for the things you love?

Gnawing on my writing chops

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Writing, for me, is like dining on a fine meal.  I ease my way into the plate by starting with the vegetables and starches, but the true heart of my writing is in the protein.  It isn’t until I sink my teeth into the real meat of the dish that I truly get the taste for the potential of the story.  Lately I have been spending an inordinate amount of time being distracted by the side dishes and leaving no room for the most important part of the meal.

Blogging has become a very special part of my life and I look forward to writing every day and reading posts from others afflicted by the same passion.  I’ve been so wrapped up in the world of WordPress that I have all but abandoned the book that I had begun writing a while ago.  Until recently, I had great intentions of setting aside time to do nothing but continue the journey of the characters I created so long ago.  But that has finally changed.

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(image courtesy of Google)

With encouragement from fellow blogger Sage Doyle, we made a pact.  We vowed to set aside time two mornings a week and make the other accountable for getting up early and devoting time to write.  With coffee in hand, we check in with each other in the wee hours of dawn, bid each other adieu for a couple of hours and we write.  There is no TV, no noise, just caffeine induced creativity.  It’s been a fantastic way for me to shift focus back onto the book because I have that accountability, and it is truly inspiring me to dedicate that much-needed time to the WIP.  My characters are animated once again and brushing the dust from their clothing.  They have attitude and they now know there is a time and a place that they can bring it.

Fleeting ideas are now forming into meaningful sentences and paragraphs and 1,500 words magically transposed themselves onto the screen on Wednesday.  My plate is full and it’s time to gnaw on the chops of my writing as well as enjoying the appetizers.

What is your writing ritual?

What does it taste like?

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The envelope stood alone in her mailbox, her lawyer’s name etched on the top corner.  The papers had come and it was finally over.

She headed to her favorite restaurant and bought a bottle of Cakebread Cabernet Sauvignon and brought the glass to her nose.  She could trace the hints of dark berries, Cassis and mocha.  The aroma penetrated her nose and she savored the scent.  When she finally let the glass brush her lips the wine spilled over her taste buds. It was heaven.

The bartender was curious and asked her, “What does it taste like?”

“It tastes like freedom.”

100 word challenge

This was written for the 100-Word Challenge at Julia’s Place.  I just stumbled on it, and I do love a challenge.

The Bones of Life

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We all need three bones to survive, a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone.  It may seem like a uninspired observation, but those bones really brings us to the essence of making the most of our lives. These three bones, in their simplicity, outline what really should be important to us as individuals.

A wishbone will keep our imagination and hopes alive.  It gives us permission to dream and it keeps those visions alive and breathing within us.  The moment that we don’t bother to dream any more about what is still possible is the moment that the biggest and most youthful part of us dies.  Dreams are the rainbow of our soul and they give us that straw that we can grasp when reality overwhelms us.

Our backbone will lend us strength to persevere.  Life can’t always be about dreams and rainbows.  Developing a strong backbone will help guide us through those difficult and traumatic times and help develop a real sense of self.  Having the fortitude to put enough faith in ourselves makes our backbone that much stronger and makes us able to cope with the concrete that paves the path of our lives.

Our funny bone will give us the perspective to let the will of our wishbone and our backbone blend into a harmonious and happy medium.  There is a fine balance between reality and comedy, and it is that comedy that will bring that panorama of our world into a spectrum of colors that will be objective, yet frivolous.  Maintaining that sense of humor can only help get us through this journey with a sense of the childhood wonder and laughter that we all want so desperately to hold onto.

Take good care of those three bones.  They build the foundation of who we are and where we want to go.  And just remember, if they break, any bone can always mend with the proper care and attention.

Slaying the dragon

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Even if it is broken, it can’t always be fixed ~SN.

My mother always used to tell me that I like to find the ‘broken ducks’ and fix them…..and it’s true.   I seem to be magnetically drawn to people who I think I can “save” in some way, even though they may not be looking for salvation.  If I look at it honestly, with no rose-colored glasses, my childhood perpetuated this need to create a sane world in a universe of quiet insanity.  On the outside our life was perfect, but on the inside there were things that created the person I am today and ingrained the need to make life as perfect on the inside as it seemed on the outside.  But I chose to focus on others rather than focusing  on myself.  I felt the need to create a picture by painting by the numbers that belonged to other people instead of the numbers on my blank canvas.  I grew up as a child of two alcoholic parents and the need to fix my parents spun into a life of restoring a sense of normalcy in every life but my own.

No matter the size of sword you carry, sometimes the dragon is bigger than you anticipated and it cannot be conquered by steel alone.  Although I spent many years of my youth trying to slay that beast, it had far more power than I anticipated and my life became a battle far greater than a teenaged girl was prepared to face.  The need to vanquish that dragon spilled into my marriage and the cycle of alcoholism and redemption breathed new life.  The dragon was alive and well with a different face and a new attitude, but it was the same dragon I had been battling for years.

slaying the dragon

(Photo courtesy of Google)

Perhaps it was the wisdom that came with age, or perhaps the sword I had been wielding had gained strength over the years, but the dragon I was faced with in the days of being married didn’t seem to possess as much strength as the dragon of my youth and I was able to overcome its fiery existence and reclaim the life I was meant to have.  Maybe that dragon still lingers, awaiting its chance for revenge, but I have finally drawn the line.  My stance is rigid and I am ready for that battle.

If there is anything this blogging journey has taught me, it is to be honest.  Not only honest in my life, but honest in my writing as well.  And whether that honesty presents itself in traits of a character or a mere extension of myself in this forum, it is freeing.  I have shared parts of myself I never thought I would divulge and it has liberated a piece of myself long since buried.  I have fixed myself by escaping the confines of my past and breaking down the walls that caged my future and instead have trapped the dragon in that cage.

I don’t know if I’m writing this to remind myself of the strength that I need to hold close to my heart or if I am writing this to finally free the dragon that I may never slay.  Regardless, tears slowly slide down my cheek as I free this last bit of anguish and look ahead to what will be.  I cannot change the past, but I can certainly shape my future by letting that dragon rest as I move on to a new castle that is free of that beast.

My life is a blank canvas.  It awaits a new story board and a tale that is yet to be written.  And maybe the canvas is slightly damaged, but I will embrace those impurities because the vision of the artist still holds the potential for a beautiful new masterpiece that is waiting to be created.

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

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Daily Prompt today is this – You need to make a major change in your life. Do you make it all at once, cold turkey style, or incrementally? 

I have had a great deal of change in the last two years of my life.  Because those changes deeply affected my life, they had to be well planned and contain a great deal of thought.

The first was the journey to lose weight.  I didn’t want a quick-fix fad diet that would guarantee losing 10 pounds in 3 days, I wanted a lifestyle change and I wanted to be healthy.  With a great deal of effort, I shifted my focus from ‘living to eat’ to ‘eating to live’ and it was worth doing it incrementally.  I lost 50 pounds and have kept it off.  Had I done the quick fix diet, I’m certain I not only would have gained the weight back, but increased my weight by a few more pounds.

The second major change was my divorce.  I had slowly become a person I was never meant to be.  I was drowning in a sea of bitterness and anger and those waves threatened to take any air that possibly remained in my lungs.  The decision to end my marriage was a monumental change in my existence, and after many failed attempts at fixing that relationship, I had to admit that it was beyond repair.  I left the broken pieces behind and slowly began rebuilding my life and rediscovering the happy person I once was.

Both of those changes deserved the time spent to follow through appropriately and go through the proper stages.  I may have over-thought both of them for a while, but in the end, I am where I need to be.

Courage of conviction

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The Daily Prompt has inspired me once again.  Today’s prompt asks – tell us your favorite thing about yourself.

If you had asked me this question ten years ago I may not have been able respond.  Sure, there were things about myself that I liked.  I can sing pretty well, although I am too self-conscious to sing in front of anyone other than my dog.  I was pretty talented when it came to making and decorating wedding cakes.  But those things are just hobbies, things I seem to be able do with some sort of talent and things I enjoy.

During the past decade of my life, I seem to have gone through a metamorphosis, mentally and spiritually.  I found my inner compass and steadily began to acclimate to the new direction I was headed.  I found the courage of conviction to have a voice of my own.   I found the inner strength to truly believe that the talents I possess are worthy of comments, and I found the determination to follow my dream of being a writer.

Good things happen when you finally believe in yourself and my first published magazine article will be out in May.  That courage of conviction fueled the vehicle that led me here.  I trusted my talent, and more than that, I trusted myself.

I let my true colors finally shine through.

Do you prefer worm or cheese?

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We’ve all heard the expression “The early bird always gets the worm”,  but if we put that thought into a much different perspective, it’s the second mouse that usually gets the cheese.

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Being successful is not all about winning and being first at everything.  Success may be born from patience as much as it is from tenacity.  Even the bible tells us that there is a time to every purpose under the Heaven.  (Having not studied the bible, and admittedly taken this line from the movie Footloose, it still holds as much meaning regardless of my source of third-party information.  Don’t judge me!!)  Success should come from just being in the race and not the place in which you cross the finish line.

Accomplishment comes to those who prepare well and put in the effort.  But the benefit of that accomplishment is not defined by the place in which you finish.  The fruition of your efforts should be marked by the honesty, integrity and perseverance you put forth while striving to procure that triumph.  Seeing a goal through to the end should be the greatest achievement.

In some respects, coming in anything other than first may teach us a lot more about ourselves and how we are able to see the race through to its finish line, regardless of what place we cross that line.  We gain a great deal of insight into who we really are and how we handle the fact that we are just shy of first place.  That second place finish, or any other place for that matter, may be just the accolade that we were seeking to make us realize our potential, and will only fuel our attempt to get closer to being that early bird next time.

If you come up short of your original goal and you miss the worm, look for the cheese.  There is still greatness in every place that you finish, because the reward lies in finishing.  If you get the worm, great, but if you fall short of savoring that burrowing invertebrate,  relish in the delight of the cheese.  The reward you get by being that second mouse may be much tastier than the being the early bird that has to choke down that pungent worm.