“Nothing is more sad than the death of an illusion” ~ Arthur Koestler
His face was etched in my dream,
and it seemed like he waited for me.
Every night as I drifted into sleep,
he was there, eager for me to be in his realm.
His hand would reach for mine
and we would lose ourselves in a world
where time stood still,
where anything was possible,
where we could be together.
He was my forever.
But my forever changed,
minutes shifted,
seconds were altered,
and what once seemed like reality
slowly devolved into fantasy once again.
Where once he was my future,
he quickly became my past.
And in my last dream,
there was no hand to hold my hand.
His smile no longer reflected mine,
and my illusion of always
changed.
Category Archives: love
Lost together
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Lost in a dream,
fleeting thoughts of you
take me to a place long ago,
where I’m lost in your eyes,
the way they used to look in to mine,
really seeing me, as you held me.
I become lost in your arms,
remembering the smell of your skin
and the taste of your kiss.
I fall, lost in your love,
never wanting to let go,
not wanting the dream to end.
But I awaken,
your face disappears but the memory lingers,
and now I feel lost again, without you.
Spaces
3 CommentsStrangled spaces,
deprived of the oxygen
needed to thrive.
You thought I wanted something,
the thing you weren’t prepared to give.
And I only wanted something
you couldn’t find the time to give.
Two paths,
winding consecutively absent of each other
but somehow still intertwined.
Altered spaces,
lives that have moved on
in opposite directions.
Memories hold tight
and I pause to reflect
the path that I enjoyed discovering,
the many twists that taught me about life,
the cliffs that gave me fear,
and the arms that made me feel safe.
Forever spaces,
those glimpses of life we hold on to,
those moments we grasp so tightly
because we know how important they were
and how meaningful they will always be.
Be the change you wish to see in the world
Leave a commentI never used to be one who could sit and watch the news on television and that habit has not drastically changed over the years. I have not ignored the reality of what is happening in the world. I have merely chosen to moderate how much negative energy I will allow inside the walls of my home. And with the most recent barrage of cynicism and hostility that has been taking centre screen on every news feed across the world, I choose, for the most part, to tune it out.
Don’t misunderstand me….I will still have a modicum of knowledge when it comes to current events, but I cannot subject myself to hearing the same stories told by a select number of news anchors who beat the same dead horse over and over again. Instead, I choose to take my positive energy and inject it back into my reality.
There is some debate as to whether or not it was Mahatma Gandhi who quoted the subject line of this post but, regardless of its origin, it holds a strong place in my resolve to make a difference, if not in the world as a whole, at least in my world. And with so much hate bubbling to the surface in the current political climates, I have resolved to love what matters.
If I think of myself as a fraction of the population of the planet, I am an infinitesimal part of the equation. But if I simply see myself as a fraction of my community, my significance becomes notably more meaningful. Perhaps I cannot make a difference on a global scale but I can certainly try to make a difference within the boundaries of my geography and that is what I am trying to do.
The world can only be changed by example, not by opinion. And now, more than ever, the world really needs us to be the change we wish to see.
An open world begins with an open mind
6 CommentsI saw this video on Facebook. Every so often, after spending countless minutes of looking at absolute crap, you stumble on something that is absolutely worth watching. And after watching this video, which is more of a summation of a few people, I continued down the line and watched all of the individual videos that were posted. I was in tears after watching this video. I was sobbing at the end of last one I watched.
But the tears I shed weren’t specifically about the videos. The tears I shed were about the message that I got from watching the reaction of each person as they found out they weren’t exactly who they thought they were. Each of the participants were so adamant about their background that they had all but dismissed any other reality….until they got their results.
The message in this experiment is one I wish we could spread across the planet. And this test is one that I wish WAS made mandatory for everybody. Finding out you share DNA with someone you have been historically trained to hate, not as a person but as a race, religion or belief, would be a hard pill to swallow. But that pill could possibly begin to cure the current pandemic called Hate.
Like sands through the hourglass…..
Leave a commentYesterday was a very important calendar date. It had been looming and, as each day brought me closer to it, the dread I felt increased exponentially.
Last year, on that precise calendar day of October 18th, my dog had her first Petit Mal seizure. I was a mess and I called my friend in a complete panic. He calmed me down and made me realize that I must control my hysteria. I needed put on a brave face so my dog knew that I had my shit together. It was tough, but I did it.
Poor Callaway lost a great deal of her freedom after that, only because I was too afraid to let her out of my sight. What if it happened again? And if it did happen again, what if she was somewhere on the property I couldn’t see her and didn’t know what was happening? We bonded a great deal more over the weeks that followed her seizure because I was afraid to leave her alone.
As the days turned into months, I became less of a “helicopter parent” and eased the reigns a bit on her leash. And then April 18th came – six months to the day after her first one – and she had another seizure. Like the first, it was a Petit Mal seizure. But unlike the first, I kept my composure and soothed her through the episode.
Yesterday was October 18th. Callaway has not shown any signs over the last six months of having had any incidents while I have been at work (or at home) but that date glowed in neon on every calendar in my peripheral vision. It was my waking thought yesterday. The number 18 hovered above my head like a cartoon balloon and spent the entire day threatening, like that too-close pair of glowing eyes in the dark.
But thankfully the day ended with as little commotion as it began. And as she sits chewing on her rawhide sticks, I am thankful – thankful because I am now able to focus on all of the days she hasn’t had a seizure and not just the two that she did.
I am in love
9 Comments“Life is about finding someone who understands the sum of your parts….and not just some of your parts.” ~ SN
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It seems my brain, lately, has been running programs in the background that I have been unaware of, until now. Being in the hospitality industry, and being a student of life, I have had the good fortune of meeting a great number of couples. Some couples go through their journey alone and many travel the road of life with their children. And over the last few months, I seem to have been paying much more attention to how these couples interact with each other – the nuances of the looks they give each other, their unspoken communication and the respect they have for each other as best friends and as lovers, and not just as parents.
There is a silent language they speak, an inaudible conversation they have been having for years. You can see it in the way they look at each other and laugh at the same silly things. Their declaration of love comes from a mere touch, their bodies speak to one another, and their understanding of each other comes from years of really getting to know everything about that other person.
I have slowly come to realize that I am in love with the way they are in love. They just get each other. They realize that they have found the person who loves everything about them and not just the things they are supposed to love. They share crazy habits and the same sense of humor but they are mindful of the mannerisms that they don’t quite understand. They can spend hours just talking and never be bored in each other’s company.
The opening line of this post is one I came up with earlier this year and it has stuck with me. Enough so that it has haunted me until I was able to eventually use it on this blog.
Whether I have yet to meet him or he is somehow already in my life, I’m willing to wait for that someone. That person who will know me, really know me, and take every opportunity to let me know that he gets my math.
What is THIS lovely fragrance?
11 CommentsThere was no sweetness. There were no flowers. And the only thing that was stolen was my breath. What began as a restful few hours between a long day and an abbreviated sleep turned into a rolling profusion of expletives followed by a few moments to regain my sense of composure.
On any other occasion, these moments could have been used to describe a much more pleasurable evening. What really happened will live in my mind, and my nasal cavity, for years to come.
It was a routine outing. Callaway never strays far from the house for her late night relief before bedtime so I didn’t think twice about opening the door to let her out. But I certainly thought twice about opening the door to let her in when the pungent stench of skunk met the sensory cells of my nose. She looked extremely pleased with herself and I’m certain she sensed that I was not so pleased.
I scoured the cupboards for the age-old remedy of tomato juice but came up empty-handed. I glanced at the clock and it read 10:30 pm, so a trip to the local, small town grocery store was out of the question. I then relied on the only endless source of information I had readily available – Facebook.
As much as I have expounded in great detail about this social media icon being a complete mind sucking website – it became my lifeline and my hero. After a bath of Hydrogen Peroxide, baking soda and dish soap, the putrid odor dissipated to the point that I could tolerate her and allow my dog to come inside. Since I would never leave her out at night, I wrapped her in blankets to help her dry off and put her to bed.
The “lovely fragrance” still lingers on my dog and in my house. And I’m sure it will be a phantom smell that follows me for months. But I have since forgiven her for the reminder that she is more canine than human, and she has forgiven me for forgetting that she is a dog and that she will continue to behave as a dog. Lessons learned…..and from now on, we walk together….Callaway on a leash, and me with a flashlight looking for any eyes in my peripheral that may pose an olfactory threat!
What’s a few grey hairs between friends?
9 CommentsThe grey whiskers appeared almost overnight. In the blink of an eye, my dog had matured beyond the youthful puppy I have known for 9 years. Sure she still has the spunk of a young pup on occasion but I can slowly see time creeping up on her faster than I would like it to.
My solace lies in the fact that our affection for each other is timeless. Her devotion to me, whether her joints are currently aching and she has no desire to jump on my bed, is endless. She is, and will continue for years to be, my true companion. She is happy to see me when I have returned home after four hours or four minutes. She never judges my idiosyncrasies and she still manages to hear my soft sobs when I am trying to quietly cry and she comes to clean away the salty tears.
I thought my life was full before she came along. I was dead wrong. We have always had dogs. Growing up, my life was filled with hairballs and doggy kisses. But Callaway is a unique soul. There is not a doubt in my mind that she was meant to be my dog. The picture we fell in love with on the adoption website (the one above) was a picture of her brother but it was Callaway who came into my life and into my heart. I fought for her during my divorce because I couldn’t imagine my house without her in it.
I know I must face the inevitable – time will not go backwards and those grey hairs on her muzzle will slowly multiply, but so will the grey hairs on my head. We will face this truth together knowing that however long we were destined to be in each other’s lives, we will make the most of each moment.
What love could look like
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I remember the moment.
It isn’t hazy or clouded, but clear in my memory.
Your eyes met mine, your hand touched my shoulder
and you curled me into your embrace.
The day had been frivolous.
The sky was untouched by clouds
and our laughter permeated the wind.
We sat with the sun soaking into our skin.
We allowed the true beauty of life to envelop us
and we just enjoyed living.
That moment drew me to you.
I saw you as you are.
I saw you in the moments you are happiest,
the moments where nothing else existed.
I was intoxicated by your ability to escape from the shackles of the real world,
to let life drive while you took the back seat,
able to enjoy the ride.
I remember the moment.
That moment will thrive in my memory.
It taught me about your passions and wants.
It reintroduced my wishes and desires.
And it made me know what love could look like.
polysyllabic profundities 