“Nothing is more sad than the death of an illusion” ~ Arthur Koestler
His face was etched in my dream,
and it seemed like he waited for me.
Every night as I drifted into sleep,
he was there, eager for me to be in his realm.
His hand would reach for mine
and we would lose ourselves in a world
where time stood still,
where anything was possible,
where we could be together.
He was my forever.
But my forever changed,
minutes shifted,
seconds were altered,
and what once seemed like reality
slowly devolved into fantasy once again.
Where once he was my future,
he quickly became my past.
And in my last dream,
there was no hand to hold my hand.
His smile no longer reflected mine,
and my illusion of always
changed.
It’s just my allergies….
2 CommentsI have suffered with allergies since I was a child. My sensitivities are mostly environmental so they are certainly manageable. As a child I used to break out in hives when I ate strawberries but, I was as stubborn then as I am now so, I ate them anyway and eventually outgrew my reaction.
As I have matured into the person I am today, I am finding an increase in my hypersensitivity to certain things. The environmental allergies still plague me year-round but I have discovered lately that a broad spectrum of human emotion, compassion and empathy is having a strange effect on my eyes.
When I hear stories that touch my heart, the redness in my eyes is immediately evident. There is a small bit of swelling in the upper and lower eyelids and I am guessing my body creates tears to cleanse my eyes of the allergens. This “allergy” is becoming more and more prevalent. What was once just a susceptibility to dust, mold, grass and trees now encompasses impassioned stories, movies, television shows and even commercials. Seeing another human being cry is definitely the biggest trigger for this new onslaught of “allergic reactions” and once the tears are formed the next symptom of these “allergies” is a stuffed up nose.
I have battled allergies for years and these are the only ones I can say I actually don’t mind having. I have given up wishing I could control these allergic reactions in public. I’m sure seeing a few tears is easier for others to witness rather than a contorted face that looks uncomfortable and painful.
So, if you see me and it looks like I’ve been crying…..it’s just my allergies.
Finding light in the darkness
2 Comments“What happened in the past that was painful has a great deal to do with what we are today.” ~ William Glasser
Looking back at my past, I can almost see the lines in the distance of the paths that I have chosen. They are faint in the waning light but the traces are still visible. Those lines, those roads I chose to follow, helped to carve the figure of the person I am now.
Along that road not everything was painful but I can say that those arduous moments gave me more definition as a person than the happier, less stressful times. Those darker moments made me a stronger version of myself. Those difficult stages during my life gave me the tenacity and the persistence to overcome obstacles that I may not have been able to cope with had my life been easier.
It is how we carry ourselves through the difficult moments that gives us our strength. It is how we persevere through misfortune that builds our character. I am who I am because of what I have experienced. I am a better version of the me I could have been because I endured pain and suffering. I made a point to learn from it and now my inner light far outweighs any of the darkness from my past.
I usually hate it when he’s right, but not this time
8 CommentsI have a great friend who is sometimes is too smart for his own good. But his advice is sage, his common sense is welcomed and his support is evident. The combination of those things has recently led me to draft a couple of letters to companies that have been manufacturing the products I have been using for the venture I began for our local Food Bank.
I penned a few well-constructed emails today to let the companies know how integral their products have been to the success of our Freezer Crockpot meals. In a world so full of negativity, it’s nice to be able to spread a modicum of happiness. In those letters I did nothing more than tell the truth about how much of a difference this project has made to our small community and how much their product has helped with that success.
In a few short hours, I had my first email response. Nowhere in my email did I ask for anything but, after being so impressed with the project and inspired by our story, this company immediately offered to send us some complimentary products to “help continue our excellent work”.
For those of you who know me, or follow my blog on a regular basis, you will know that some tears were shed after I read that email. And I’m not completely sure if the tears were of pure joy because this company didn’t hesitate to help or because my friend was right….again. Regardless of their cause, my cheeks welcomed the emotion.
This Food Bank project has been a labor of love since the beginning and the more time I spend organizing, shopping and setting up the volunteers, the more I know this is not just a one-shot deal. This enterprise has become a part of my life, and one I hope to continue for a long time. And now that I know even more support is out there, more home-cooked meals will make it into deserving homes during their tough times.
The road already travelled
2 Comments“Time moves in one direction, memory in another.” ~ William Gibson
Nostalgia is a funny thing. When you least expect it, what began as a glimpse into your subconscious suddenly floods your senses and overwhelms you with thoughts of the past. It could be a song lyric, a smell or an old picture that triggers the trip down memory lane but, regardless of how the journey begins, the open road to your past looms behind and begs for you to follow it.
On occasion that journey can feel like you have stepped through a portal into the time-space continuum and have completely ensconced yourself in that moment so many years ago. You can visualize the wallpaper on the walls that no longer exist in reality but feel like they are an arm’s length away if you reached out to touch them. You can inhale fragrant scents and feel the presence of the person who used to wear that particular perfume or cologne. That one song can play and transport you back to the time and place you have associated so strongly with those lyrics.
That road that stretches behind us still waits for us whenever we feel the beckoning pull of sentimentality. Venturing down that protected surface serves to remind us where we’ve been but will always afford us the opportunity to turn around and forge ahead into the future.
Understanding and embracing those things from our past can only motivate us to continue. We carve the paths of our progressive journey knowing that the moments that have shaped us will always be there to remind us of where we have been and where we have since chosen to go.
Lost together
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Lost in a dream,
fleeting thoughts of you
take me to a place long ago,
where I’m lost in your eyes,
the way they used to look in to mine,
really seeing me, as you held me.
I become lost in your arms,
remembering the smell of your skin
and the taste of your kiss.
I fall, lost in your love,
never wanting to let go,
not wanting the dream to end.
But I awaken,
your face disappears but the memory lingers,
and now I feel lost again, without you.
To Paleo, or not to Paleo….that is the question
8 CommentsAlong with aging comes change…..in everything! Some of that change is welcomed, like a new sense of self and not being concerned with what others think. And some is not so well-received, like white hair, bags under the eyes and the digestive system constantly changing the rules for our metabolism on a daily basis.
I never had a care in the world when it came to food. I suffered no allergies. I was not a victim to food sensitivities. I had absolute freedom in my culinary world.
But something has drastically shifted over the last couple of years. I have heard of this phenomenon but never thought I would have become a statistic in this game of “what do we cut out of the daily diet today”. Choosing what to eat has become more like Russian Roulette. One misfire and that bullet of discomfort is going to rocket through my intestines.
I’ve been looking at the Paleo Diet and it seems to cut out all the components that could potentially cause inflammation or general malaise without necessarily cutting out the options for a very tasty selection of meals. I have already become the person who puts beets and turmeric in my breakfast smoothies, so I think I’ve pretty much taken the first step in admitting that I’m not the girl who is able to eat what she wants anymore. And that recipe in the photo looks delicious! Wish me luck…..I’m goin’ in.
Don’t you have anything better to do with your time?
3 CommentsIf you have read my past blog posts, you’ll know that I have started a wonderful project to help our local food bank. We are making Freezer Crockpot meals so families can feel the satisfaction of having a home-cooked meal on the table, once or twice a week, that is made with REAL food. The ingredients are things like chicken, stewing beef, ground beef, ground turkey, vegetables and potatoes. It has been a love affair of mine since it began last winter and continues to capture my heart.
After a sneaky email from a friend, I was recently interviewed by a local TV news station and the reporter and her fellow newscasters were impressed by the project as well. We had a small segment on the 6:00 news to help promote our cause and gain more coverage to help increase donations. The coverage was also put on the TV stations’ and my Facebook page to help spread the word so we could try to help more people who could use a hand this time of year.
I received some fantastic comments and queries from others who wish to start the same type of project in their community, which is exactly what I was hoping would happen. But amidst the praises and pats on the back, I should have known there lurked a few eyes that glowed eerily in the darkness.
After watching the clip on the news, a woman called the lodge where I work (and the kitchen we use for prepping meals) and was irate that we were not wearing gloves while we prepared these meals. Upon first hearing of this call, I was taken aback…..and then I was angry. I have volunteered countless hours of my time to make life a little better for those who struggle through the winter months, only to have this woman challenge my culinary safety practices.
I have been trained in kitchens since I was in college. Before I went to college I worked in restaurants. And in the 30+ years I have worked in the hospitality industry, I have never encountered a Chef who wears gloves, or makes their staff wear gloves, unless they have been cut and are wearing a bandage. Hospitality staff are trained in food safety. From the temperature of a fridge, to the cooking temperature of meats and the frequent hand-washing to avoid cross-contamination, we are well-versed in following very strict guidelines. Watch a few videos of Gordon Ramsay, Anthony Bourdain, Jamie Oliver or any of the popular cooking-challenge shows and tell me if you see their hands concealed by Latex gloves. This is cooking, not open-heart surgery.
Sufficed to say, my blood pressure has come down and I am moving on. One angry voice in a sea of positivity will not get me down. I can only hope that, one day, this woman will get as much satisfaction from helping others as I do and will give the same strong-arm to anyone who tries to bring her down.
Yes, I’m going to say it again…..
2 CommentsI loathe the word nagging. I much prefer the term ‘getting your point across in a relatively passive-aggressive way’.
When I feel strongly about something, I can be a bit overwhelming in my pursuit and subsequent follow-up. While my intentions are completely honorable, my execution can be somewhat irritating. But at the heart of my bothersome behavior is my desire to see the benefit of my persistence far outweigh the burden of my pestering.
I really do want the best for people. And sometimes I feel like the droning sound of my voice, saying the same thing over and over again, will eventually have its desired effect. But I can hear myself. I can hear the warming of my vocal chords as they prepare to drown the recipient in their ambient sound waves. And although the compulsion is unrelenting, if I am lucky, sometimes I can catch myself before the melodic tone of my incessant chatter reaches maximum annoyance.
On the bad days, I do see my nagging as a challenge – a moment to rise above the urge to deliver unwarranted advice. But on the good days, I see my nagging as a strength – a moment to reflect on the genuine feeling of emotion behind the message I am trying to convey. Regardless of which day it really is, I am compelled to react because the apprehension I feel for a situation is directed at a person who is very close to my heart.
Although the word nagging is derived from a Scandinavian word meaning “to gnaw”, I like to think of my foray into personal harassment as more of a nibble. And if you find yourself on the opposite end of one of my lectures, please know it comes from a place of love and from nowhere else.
It`s one day after the 12th
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I have never been a superstitious person. I’m not afraid to have a black cat cross paths with me. I do use caution around ladders but that is more of a safety issue rather than a superstition. And I certainly don’t believe that I will have 7 years of bad luck if I have the misfortune of breaking a mirror into tiny shards of reflective glass. I will, however, have 7+ horrible minutes of clean up!!
Bad luck seems to be brought on by bad attitudes. If I had woken up this morning in a state of panic because of the calendar date, I’m sure some incident would have befallen me and I would undoubtedly have had people tell me it is a result of the dreaded Friday the 13th. I arose this morning as I always do. I put on my jeans the same one leg at a time. There were no black crows eyeballing me from the top branch of their perch, screeching raptor-like obscenities and warning me to stay indoors.
Did you know that historically there have been fewer car accidents on this day because people exercise so much more caution or don’t drive at all? The irrational fear that this day imposes is an interesting phenomenon. People have such an overwhelming fear of the 13th day of the month falling on a Friday but never really take the time to ask themselves why they have this fear. If you reflect on your childhood, somewhere along your journey, the superstition was unwittingly passed on to you. The moment that seed was planted, it matured into an irrational fear and has embedded its roots into your psyche. I’m a firm believer that we make our own luck. If you think bad things will happen on Friday the 13th then they probably will.
Friday the 13th has never imposed any ugliness on me but I also impress nothing put positive thoughts on it. It is just another day. If Friday the 13th is your ‘monster in the closet’ – lock that closet door and throw away the key. It holds no more power than what you allow it to have.
Are you superstitious or was today just another day…
polysyllabic profundities 