Over forty and feeling…..broken

34 Comments

Posted on May 7, 2013

Forty may be the new twenty, but I don’t think my body got that memo. I used to be able to handle stress much better, not that I had the stress I have in my forties, but the carriage that houses my soul never used to show signs of that stress. I would bounce back and be prepared for the next onslaught of tension, armed and ready to kill that dragon.

These days, I am not as fortunate. The knots of stress seem to locate the weakest parts of my body and finds the forty-something-year-old muscles far more inviting. Like an unwanted house guest, it settles in, makes itself comfortable and it chooses to stay for a while.

About a month and a half ago I injured my knee while shoveling snow. Who knew an activity so benign could leave such a lasting injury? The pain subsided and temporarily vanished, but every so often it flares up again and I am currently moving slower than some of my mom’s new acquaintances in the retirement home.

I have yet to go to the doctor, but that trip is looming. The male part of my brain had me convinced that the temple that is my body would heal itself, but that seems far-fetched as I hobble around my house this morning, wishing I had a cane. In my self-diagnosis, compliments of Google, I realized that I have most likely torn the meniscus in my right knee. It could be a minor tear but could also lead to surgery if not properly diagnosed and healed.

(image credit: oralchelation.com)

Today, for me, forty feels more like the new sixty but I am determined not to let this affliction get the best of me. I will beat stress and injury into submission with determination, tenacity and a borrowed cane!

Before the storm – Romantic Monday

3 Comments

Posted on May 6, 2013

Thunder clouds in the distance

the promise of a storm to come

his touch is firm on my flesh

the earth is waiting to succumb

to the reign of terror in the sky

the promise of a fury unleashed

the air is electric, feelings are charged

mother nature is in control of the beast

blue sky falls into the abyss

the ceiling of night turns to gray

energy ignites with the coming storm

feelings, for now, are at bay

his grip remains strong on my skin

his eyes search for the sign

thunder crashes, lightning explodes

the moods begin to align

I turn to him under mottled clouds

the earth opens its spring

water cascades over exposed flesh

the symphony of love starts to sing

his touch brings more power

than the lightning casts from the sky

bodies churn in the shower of rain

under the cover of nigh

before the storm the feeling lived

but now its fury is unleashed

hands roam, bodies entwine

the power of nature is released

his body is mine, and mine is his

the storm can not debate

the true love felt under stormy skies

the honesty of love will not wait

Romantic Monday seems to inspire the poet in me. I took the subject line literally and the storm seemed to bring something out in me. Thanks Edward Hotspur!

Those who say goodbyes are easy never really meant them….

4 Comments

Posted on May 1, 2013

Saying that final goodbye closes a chapter. Sometimes that is a good thing but inevitably goodbye means closing ties to something you felt a bond with. That something could be inanimate or that something could be flesh and blood. Regardless, goodbyes are never easy.

I have experienced many of those closures over the last few weeks and each one of them has meant storing a memory – trapping a moment in a vault that holds the value of a time gone by. I have begun the process of bidding adieu to a job that I have spent many years growing as an employee and as a person, I have sorted through things my mother has saved throughout our lifetime and I will be saying farewell to a house that helped my family shape the people we are today. Although my mom has moved into a retirement home and seems happy to be moving forward, saying goodbye to the life we lived will be difficult.

Each minute I spend sorting through things from our past is a minute that brings my childhood back to the forefront. A single item of my mother’s clothing transports me back 30 years and I can see the last moment I remember her wearing that shirt. Knowing the power of recollection that shirt can elicit makes it that much harder to say goodbye to that relic of fashion, but time marches on and the goodbye must be uttered.

Precious memories recede on the plain of our existence but they impart a lasting impression. A smell, a piece of fabric or a place in the capsule of time can cement our memory and form a piece of our history that is still accessible in the far reaches of our minds. Although the farewells may be necessary, the challenge of walking away from something will never be easy.

I hope that these goodbyes don’t mean that going away signifies forgetting. That is something I am not willing to do. Although goodbyes are difficult, losing those memories is not an option. Past experiences carve the path for the future. Past experiences shape our sense of self. Past experiences make us who we are.

(image credit: healthyplace.com)

Goodbyes are never effortless, but they are necessary. Saying goodbye to the past can only open the door for the future. My heart may be in the memory, but my hope still lies in what is to come.

Shocking discoveries

15 Comments

Posted on April 18, 2013

I was sifting through my email folders at work today to thin out the bulking cyber drawers and make room for the onslaught of new information for the upcoming season. I amaze myself with the number of emails I find worthy of saving. Some are amusing and will get filed back into that vault of humor and some made the hair on the back of my neck stand up today.

In amongst the random emails in my personal folder were a few messages from a former guest regarding his overdue payment for his summer vacation. This conversation took place back in the autumn of 2011. His excuses became very creative when it came to explaining why we had not received payment – they bordered on comical, really. And then I came across one where he said he was going to “blow a gasket” if his office couldn’t get this sorted out. Normally an off-handed comment like that would not have even registered in the realm of my abnormal or even intimidating. But looking at this email now, and knowing the person that sent it, the threatening tone of that letter became overwhelmingly real.

Two short months after lengthy discussions and warnings that we would take this man to small claims court to get our money his name appeared before us in such a shocking way that I was speechless. His name was on the 6:00 pm news – he had been charged with the murder of his girlfriend. The two faces we had become so familiar with on our vacation property were now splashed all over the media and the complicated story began to unravel.

The financial indiscretion with us was only the tip of the iceberg and, as the investigation continued, his trail of lies and deceit became public knowledge. In a heated discussion about their financial situation, he lost control and she lost her life. He hid her body under one of the beds in the house and frantically called friends to say she had never returned home. Days later, the police arrived at his door for further interrogation and noticed the acrid smell of decomposition coming from the house.

I have deleted his emails. I don’t want to feel any connection to this horrible monster, nor do I want to be reminded of the heinous crime he committed to conceal his sordid past. May he get the justice he deserves and may she rest in peace.

Head in the clouds

5 Comments

Posted on April 17, 2013

These clouds made me happy today. Spring may actually be here….although the forecast is snow on Saturday. Fingers crossed that doesn’t happen.

Freedom of expression in the sky.

And similar….but never the same.

The power of positive thinking

8 Comments

Posted on April 17, 2013

The power of thought is amazing…..the more positive the thought, the more positive the result. Feeding your brain with affirming thoughts allows the mind to grow and flourish, while letting your brain gnaw on the bones of negativity could have devastating results.

(image credit: walkwithin.com)

Our brain can only act and react to the energy we give to it. Unlike the information we feed into a computer, it cannot calculate results and comprehend a logical solution unless we give it the necessary tools to formulate the equation.

We need to learn how to harness the power of optimism and fuel our brains with a brazen amount of happiness and joy to achieve the desired result of success. And that success is not just a monetary gain. Success can be defined as happiness in the home, satisfaction on the job and general good health and well-being.

Negativity and stress go hand in hand. We have all been told at one time or another to “think positive” – but do we ever really stop to absorb the meaning of those two words. If we take the time to step back and see the silver lining that dark, ominous cloud no longer holds as much power as it once did.

Positive thinking can change not only your attitude but your demeanor, how you represent yourself and how you physically carry yourself as well. You can immediately spot a confident person in their stride, shoulders back, chin up, and know that there are no negative thoughts coursing through their mind.

A positive attitude breeds hope that things will be better. We teach children at a young age to turn that frown upside down. What we are embedding in their young minds is that a positive attitude will make them feel better. So why not heed the advice we bestow on the younger generation who may not fully interpret what we are saying?

Too often we let ourselves be consumed by the obstacles life throws into our path. We feel swallowed in the churning sea of existence. But we have the power to make every day a day to look forward to by giving ourselves the choice to be happy. Life may not always be exactly the way we intended it to be but focus on the good things and the rest will fall into place. Peter Pan could make himself fly by thinking his happy thoughts. Let yourself feel weightless by thinking those positive thoughts and put on a happy face.

Falling behind

16 Comments

Posted on April 15, 2013

With the events surrounding my mother over the last two weeks, I have been falling behind in reading many of your posts. Thankfully I had many posts written and have been sweeping the dust from those and posting as often as I can.

I have over 1400 emails, most of them notifications of your posts or your comments and I will do my best to get caught up as soon as I can. I do wish to thank you all for your reading support and your kind words about my mom. We are still in limbo and are unsure where to go from here but we still maintain as much hope as possible for a good outcome.

I will try to take some time for myself and get back into reading your words that I have come to love. I do have one light in the tunnel – my magazine article will be published May 1st. I will try to link to it so I can share it with the blogging world.

Thank you again for being a part of a group that I have come to think of as friends.

Some walks you have to take alone

13 Comments

Posted on April 11, 2013

Whether it is a walk of pride or the walk of shame, some walks you have to take alone. Embracing your successes or facing up to the repercussions of decisions you have made is an individual journey. Only you can face the truth and the consequences that result from something you have been a part of – good or bad.

And perhaps that walk alone provides you the time and solitude you need to focus on the decisions that have been made previously or have yet to be made in your life. Nobody can choose your path or tell you which fork in the road you must follow. That is a conscious choice that you must decide for yourself. Forging ahead into that journey, on your own, gives you the focus you need to gather the insight into which path you will follow. Along the way, you select the people with whom you want to participate in that pilgrimage.

Some that you have chosen to accompany you on your journey may agree with your direction and some may deviate from the road that lies before you. Perhaps they were only meant to keep you company for a short distance. Others will follow you into the abyss, knowing that the course you have plotted is one akin to a path that they have chosen as well.

Regardless of how many people are willing to follow that road with you, there will always be some walks you have to take unassisted. Some roads are meant to be navigated by you and you alone. There will always be friends at the end of that road – to wipe your brow and perhaps give you a pat on the back for reaching the end of your quest unscathed, but the passage itself is a solitary journey.

Forge ahead on that secluded route. Walk strong with your head held high. Delve deep into the reasons that you have come to this particular fork in the road, and walk alone. But walk alone knowing that at the end of your journey, you have rewarded yourself with the reclusive time needed to dig deep into what you need for yourself to achieve your ultimate goal. Your journey never ends. It only begins with the next step.

The sounds of solace

2 Comments

Posted on April 10, 2013

Even through the most troubling of times, there is something inherently soothing about music. The dulcet tones relieve the pressure that reality compounds and the rhythm can make the most difficult situations bearable.

I love most types of music but the sounds I find most comforting during difficult times are the harmonic blends of The Tenors. The uplifting tones of their four part harmony bathe me in a warm glow and bring me out of the dark tunnel. The joy they find in singing allows me a moment to pause and rejoin the beauty in the world.

The timbre in their notes carries me to a place of serenity and I am embraced by a feeling of peace. It amazes me how quickly the stress is assuaged and washed over by a wave of calm by simply allowing the pacifying effect of the notes soothe my soul.

As my mom watches the tiny television from her hospital bed, four Canadian Tenors are alleviating my current reality momentarily by singing their lullabies to me. Let the music of life play on.

Hoarding gives me the Heebie-jeebies

10 Comments

Posted on March 31, 2013

The Daily Prompt asks this question today:

Does a messy home (or office) make you anxious and cranky, or is cleaning something you just do before company comes over?

(image credit: accentondesign.net)

The items on my coffee table do not have to be positioned at precise angles at varying degrees, but things do have a certain place in my house. I am not fanatical about cleaning, but I am stringent about being organized. I don’t get many surprise visitors because I live in a very rural area, but if people drove off the beaten path and arrived at my home, I would not be frantically searching for the Swiffer or tossing newspapers or wrappers under the couch cushions.

The same goes for my desk at work. Sure there are piles of paper and file folders, but they are organized piles that I strategically am able to work through because everything has its place.

Having said that, the entrance way into my house could potentially negate anything I’ve mentioned about seeming organized, but that will be rectified soon. My entrance way is the only spot for me to store my patio cushions and other outdoor items that are longing to be freed from their winter incarceration. It’s nothing close to being a Hoarder’s episode, but it does make me a bit anxious when I see everything piled in one spot. Hazmat suits are not required, but until I win the lottery I will have to deal with the negative aspects of living in a house that is only 650 square feet. At least the rest of it is organized!

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