Category Archives: humor

Five Cold Toes (Trifextra Challenge)

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It lurks waiting for food,

never hiding behind a rock.

It has a certain penchant,

for neither pants nor frock.

It waits patiently in my dryer,

taking no more than a single sock.

socks

~

Written for the weekend Trifextra Challenge – It’s now time for some Trifextra fun. Thirty years ago, Roald Dahl published the book Dirty Beasts, a collection of poems for children about weird and wonderful animals. The last poem, however, is called The Tummy Beast about a boy who thinks there’s someone living in his belly. Your Trifextra challenge is to write 33 words on a beast in an unusual place. No swamps or forests or caves, we really want you to take your beast out of its comfort zone

Next time we have a battle of wits, I’ll arrive fully armed

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I am blessed with a very quick wit and I love making people laugh.  There is something truly endearing about changing the mood in a room with a few well placed lines of humor.  There is a palpable shift in energy and I like knowing that I am able to affect that energy.

As a teenager I used humor as a defense mechanism but as I grew out of that awkward phase I realized what a gift humor had become.  However, I am the first to admit when I am out-witted.  I try my absolute best to use my humor to spar with others of like minds but there are moments I feel I have not packed my full arsenal of quips and leave the room bested by another’s witty repartee.  I never see this as a loss, mind you, because the other people in the room still leave with a smile on their face and, if all has gone extremely well, some sore ribs and stomach muscles.

laughing

(image credit: countrydesignhome.com)

Being a goofball has its advantages and I am always striving to better my repertoire of amusing anecdotes.  Sparring with someone who has packed a bigger stockpile of witticism only makes me want to reload my depository and come better prepared for the next battle of wits.

The sharpener is ready to hone my sarcasm and my wit is a bubbling cauldron waiting to be stirred.  I am prepped for battle.

Oxy…who are you calling a moron?

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I think a lot of us are clearly confused by how an oxymoron is defined. Wikipedia defines an oxymoron as a figure of speech that combines contradicting terms.  Is that lone definitive term a false truth, and is it our one choice?  It’s seriously funny that we use so many of them on a fairly regular basis and have no idea of the genuine imitation of the English language that we are twisting to suit our purpose.

oxymoron

The larger half of us would not believe how many oxymoronic phrases can interject themselves into our daily lives.  We may be absolutely unsure of what the true meaning is, but we ignore the deafening silence and still go on based on that unbiased opinion.

It would be a pretty ugly reality to think that our life is based on a series of contradictory ideas.  We struggle enough just to make sense of reality without having to look for hidden meanings and misconstrued messages.  It is old news that life is a series of mysteries, and it is sweet sorrow when we realize that we are caught in the cycle of definite maybes.

We are alone together in a churning sea of absurdity.  We are lost in the moment when genuine imitation becomes a minor crisis and we have to delve further to free ourselves from a potential crash landing.  That moment of anticipated serendipity presents itself, and I will be among the first to admit my unease with the constructive ambiguity.

While we think we are doing nothing to circumvent the problem, there is an increasing decline in that belief.  Our systematic way of uncovering these terms comes to a rolling stop and we are forced to look at the original copies of our intended idea.

Don’t let the tragic comedy of the English language confuse you.  Be aware of those oxymorons and alleviate any organized chaos in your life.  There may be the most subtle exaggeration in the nuance of words but be cognizant of the silent alarm that will be an awfully good warning of the presence of the greater evil of these false truths.

This post may be going nowhere.  But while you search for the consistent uncertainties in my writing…..give me your extensive briefing and let me know how many oxymorons you think there were in this post.  I will wait through the quiet noise and give you my educated guess after I’ve had my Jumbo Shrimp and boneless ribs for dinner.  Good grief, this post may be a whole piece of true fiction.  Sorry if it was a little much!

The countdown begins

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“Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace.”

~ H.H. The Dalai Lama

It never ceases to amaze me.  Human behavior, whether good or bad, has enough energy to directly affect our own sense of self.  I am a calm person.  I have always had a great sense of peace about me and am quick to find the good in situations and in people.  But my faith in human nature takes a strong nose-dive when tourist season begins.

When you grow up in a small town or a small community, there is a true sense of peace knowing your neighbors and being familiar with those around you.  You learn to expect a certain level of camaraderie and happiness.  The members of the community embrace you and are quick with a smile and a genuinely warm hello.

With the arrival of the Canada Day long weekend, that seems to have changed.  No longer will you find the locals out shopping at all hours of the day and carrying on conversations as if nothing were more important.  Now those locals are hidden behind the doors of their homes, emerging only in the early hours of the day to do their shopping to avoid the onslaught of tourists.  The freedom of being able to enjoy our tiny town has vanished.

crowd

(image credit: theinertia.com)

I ventured out too late this morning and became caught in the vortex of that familiar angst and cynicism that seems to travel North on Highway 400 and vacation here during the months of July and August.  Everyone is in a rush to get everywhere and tempers are short.  I arrived at my familiar grocery store, exited my vehicle and my eardrums were pierced with two unfamiliar voices arguing about the angled parking  job of one of the overwhelmingly expensive vehicles in the parking lot.  I guess the memo about relaxing while on vacation was never sent!

We, as a community, have 10 short weeks to ‘make hay while the sun shines’, as the old saying goes.  For as much as these tourists treat us as an inferior breed of humans, they are a grand part of our existence.  So we grin and bear it….and we begin the countdown to Labor Day Monday.

Like animals emerging from hibernation, we allow ourselves to come out of our homes and once again greet the land and our surroundings after that glorious September long weekend.  We take deep breaths of fresh air and greet our friends with a smile, having survived another two months of insanity.  The local pub patios are packed with locals happily waving at the cars as they make their way back to their concrete jungle.  On rare occasions, streakers have been known to hit the streets with signs, wishing the tourists a safe ride home.  (well, it may have been worded differently, but you get the idea).

Until that day comes, I will do my best not to let the stress of these visitors infect my happy disposition.  66 days to go….but who’s counting??

Funny ha-ha or funny ridiculous?

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Oh Daily Prompt, how timely you are!!  I was sitting on my deck on Wednesday night and out of nowhere began to remember lines from this poetic joke I heard as a teenager.  I may have missed parts….but the fact that I could actually remember this much of it thirty years later isn’t so bad!!

Now listen very carefully,

it’s as simple as can be.

The place is Piccadilly,

the players, he and she.

I don’t know how to do it,

she said with fearful eyes.

It’s getting rather painful,

it must be quite a size.

Now calm yourself my darling,

his face beheld a grin.

Just open slightly wider,

so I can get it in.

Suddenly with a startled cry,

she gave a little shout.

Only a little blood was shed,

and then he pulled it out.

Now as you listen carefully,

it’s a dentist you will find.

It’s not what you were thinking,

it’s just your dirty mind.

Stick a fork in me Jerry, I’m done!

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For any of you that watched Seinfeld in the good old days, the subject line of this post refers to the day Kramer lathered himself in butter to tan on the roof and fell asleep.  Many references were made to the smell of roasted turkey coming from the roof and Newman spent most of the day chasing Kramer through the hallways of their apartment building armed with a knife and fork.

I now have some frame of reference to what a turkey feels like when it is pulled from the oven.  Today, I had my first ever M.R.I. to determine what I have done to my knee.  For those unaware of Magnetic Resonance Imaging, the process is similar to taking a meat product and shoving into a casing to create a sausage.  A human body is robed in the flattering hospital gown and pants and thrust into an opening barely large enough to contain said body.  For twenty to thirty minutes, the owner of the body must remain perfectly motionless for the imaging to be successful.

mri-10

(image credit:  howstuffworks.com)

Precautions are taken to restrict any movement of the part being scanned and a call button is placed in the hand of the subject waiting to enter the tunnel in case of any discomfort or panic.  Thankfully I did not experience either of those.  With a knee scan, the head remains outside of the enclosure and the orb surrounds only the parts deemed necessary for imaging.

Ear plugs are inserted to mute the throbbing noise created by the imaging machine and dulcet tones are played to mask the sound of technology.  The soothing sounds of The Eagles helped to transport me to that hotel in California where you can check out any time you want but you can never leave, but the DJ followed up with James Brown’s “I Feel Good” and it was painful to remain still.  Who doesn’t want to move when you hear that song?

The machine hummed and pulsated.  The tube resonated with the sounds of helium-suspended-magnets as bursts of radio frequencies were bounced from my flesh back to a computer where the images would be recorded for posterity and diagnosis.  The heat in the tube increased and my body temperature spiked.  Beads of sweat trickled from my brow and finally the timer sounded.  My M.R.I. was over and dinner was served.   If only I’d thought to prepare myself with some butter, salt and pepper.  Thankfully nobody chased me down the corridors of the hospital with a knife and fork!

This just in….

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In what is being referred to as a heinous crime against nature, an unknown perpetrator has assaulted the freshly awakened earth with a blanket of snow.  Investigators have a short list of suspects and a few known offenders are at the top of their watch list.

The Behavioral Analysis Unit of the F.B.I. has given their profile to local weather  teams and have asked for the public’s assistance in capturing this un-sub before any more damage is done to the pristine Spring landscape.  The blossoming lilacs and daffodils have been ruthlessly violated by the cold temperatures and the cover of white powder.  Nurseries and landscapers are on full alert and have assembled emergency response teams to assist if necessary.

daffodils

(image credit: agefotostock.com)

The F.B.I.’s investigative team has predicted a second wave of the assault on Monday night and are arming their troops in preparation of the attack.  Unlike the blitz invasion on Sunday, the B.A.U. is warning residents NOT to plant and to arm their patio furniture as a safeguard against the defilement.

If you have any information in regards to the events on Sunday, May 12th, please contact Jack Frost and tell him to EFF OFF!!   More news at 11:00.  Now back to you.

Always look on the bright side of life

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In my limited pool of knowledge, I have found that there are two types of people in the world – those who love Monty Python, and those who don’t.  That may be a very broad assumption, and one that has been purely based on my personal experience and nothing else.  The people I have encountered have very distinct opinions on the subject and sway very heavily to one side when it comes to the British comedy.  You may be perched on the fence, or have no opinion at all, but this post is based on the myriad of people who have shared their strong opinion with me.

It is not a subject I bring up haphazardly in conversation, but there comes the inevitable moment when I unwittingly kick a reference to Monty Python into a conversation.  It either completely misses  the uprights and lands uselessly in a blank faced crowd, or it sails right down the middle, scores and the crowd jumps to its feet.  It can be the most innocent of comments but Monty Python fans recognize it immediately and a look of happiness glazes their face when they identify with one of their own.  In mere seconds, they have responded with another piece of Python repartee and an entirely new conversation spins in a warped direction.

silly walk

(photo credit: tumblr.com)

I wasn’t introduced to the genius of Monty Python until much later in my life, but I certainly made up for lost time by watching those comedic geniuses incessantly.  Python fans seem to have an undefinable bond.  Without even beginning a conversation, I have had friends walk past me in public places doing their best impression of the Minister of Silly Walks and I can’t contain my laughter.  When I lived in Halifax, we would have Monty Python nights and the group of friends who were as fixated as we were would gather around our television set.  We were all able to quote 90% of the lines in each movie (sad, but true) and we even used small wooden salad bowls to emulate the coconut horse hooves in the Holy Grail.  Obsessed?  Perhaps.  But those are some of my fondest memories.

There are nights when I am feeling less than my usual exuberant self and Monty Python seems to be the only thing that can bring me out of my funk.  The Meaning of Life finds its way into my DVD player, the machine that goes “PING” pings and all is right in my world once again.

Time to weigh in friends – what is your quest?  What is your favorite color?  Which side of Python are you on?

When Inspiration and Epic Awesomeness collide

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I would imagine the combination of the two above descriptors to parallel the absolute brilliance of chocolate and peanut butter coming together to provide a delicious taste explosion.  But the truth of the matter, the reason I called you all here, is to accept three awards bestowed upon me by fellow bloggers.  (and since I really don’t like dispelling too much truth about myself, having to do it only once seemed more plausible)

Thank you to my good friend TwinDaddy who hails from StuphBlog.  He has nominated me for the Epically Awesome Award of Epic Awesomeness.  (who knew there was such a thing, but it sounds….um….awesome).  His comedic brilliance, humility, heart wrenching truths and absolute Unshittiness™ are worth checking out if you have not stopped by there already.  And shame on you if you haven’t!!

epicallyawesomeaward

And then not one but two fellow bloggers nominated me for the Very Inspiring Blogger Award.  Thank you to Lissa from The Lissa Chronicles and to Nicole from My Desire for Inspiration for giving me a much-appreciated shout  out.  They both share honest opinions about life and what it takes to keep a smile on your face.  Keep up the great writing, ladies!!

very-inspiring-blogger-award

It is customary, once the awards have been accepted, to link back to the bloggers who nominated you, which I have done and tell some random facts about yourself.  I’ll try to keep it light and exciting so you don’t doze off before I get to the end of this post.

  •  As a child, I wanted to be Violet Beauregarde from Charlie and The Chocolate Factory so much that I went to bed with gum behind my ear.  I had to cut half my hair off to get the gum out.
  •  I’m great at giving advice and horrible at taking it.
  • I once threw up all over a friend’s back.  I was holding her hair and rubbing her back while she was trying to throw up and as soon as she did I became the sympathetic puker.  It took hours to clean the bathroom.
  • I have a very wide range of music likes – I listened to Johnny Mathis on the way to work this morning.  Yesterday it was Motley Crue.
  • This will be the last fact because I don’t think I’m interesting enough to fill another 5 bulletin points and you’ve probably nodded off already.

The rest of the rules basically want me to play favorites and nominate a certain number of bloggers for each award.  I can’t do it.  I can’t single out 10 bloggers – simply because each one of the blogs I follow inspires me with their awesomeness on some level.  So in the pure TwinDaddy style of being a rule breaker, I urge you to check out the list of great bloggers on my page.  It will only display 50 (how rude!), but you should check them all out when you have time.

I think my speech time has come to an end….I can hear them cuing the music.  Waiter?  I’ll have a glass of Cabernet…..Waiter??

If found, please return to….

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Breaking news – this just in:

Spring has been kidnapped.  Mother Nature called 9-1-1  sometime in the early hours of the morning and reported it missing.  According to her statement, she had tucked Spring in for the night and left it unattended.  When she returned to check on it this morning, she found nothing but a blanket of snow and Spring was nowhere to be found.

Forensic scientists and Crime Scene Investigators have scoured the area for any evidence related to its disappearance but currently no reports have been made regarding any leads they may have.  The CSI unit is having difficulty continuing the investigation as the blanket of snow continues to grow and cover any shred of evidence that may have existed to prove that Spring had even been there.

Neighbors that have been interviewed were positive that they had seen signs of Spring earlier the previous day.  One neighbor had stated that a group that seemed oddly out-of-place in the neighborhood had been hovering around Mother Nature’s house the previous evening.  A local Sketch Artist  was brought in and a composite drawing of the potential suspect has been released to the media.

snowflake_skull_by_attero_dominatus-d4xbgeu

(image courtesy of dominatus.deviantart.com)

Friends of Spring are desperate to have it return.  If you see any sign of Spring, please contact me immediately and I will share your information with the proper authorities.